Hey, Lay Off Starbucks

Rick Telander of the Chicago Sun-Times on Ken Griffey Jr.:

“The 30-year-old with the backwards hat, 398 homers, the center field play of Willie Mays and the pizazz of Tiger Woods has moved from the back of the stage to front and center.

“And we the audience get to watch him in the bright lights. Seattle is not a baseball city; it is a coffee stand with computer geeks chattering over scones.”

Let’s hope there’s no guilt by association.

Wake up, you parents

Tony Kornheiser in the Washington Post:

“How did we lose a boat race to Italy? We have the Sixth Fleet, and they’ve got gondolas in Venice. Obviously, we’re losing our yachting edge.

“We need to get more funding for kids to get into yachting. I’m going to propose a nationwide campaign called `Yacht-It-Up’ where kids can get incentives to take up yachting - like free blue blazers with gold buttons, and quality stemware for apres-race champagne toasts.”

Regis Philbin’s kind of guy

Joe Kleine, on deciding to play another NBA season in Portland:

“It’s pretty simple.

“I was sitting at home at the end of August and somebody called me up and said, `Who wants to be a millionaire?’ I said, `I do.’ And they said, `Is that your final answer?’ I said, `Let me call my lifeline.’

“So I called Dana (his wife) and she said, `If you don’t take it, I’ll kill you.”’

Lay off kids, I’m old

Joan Benoit Samuelson, the first women’s Olympic marathon champion, in 1984 in Los Angeles, will try again at the age of 42 - with urging from her children, Abby, 12, and Anders, 10.

She’ll compete in the marathon trials in Columbia, S.C., Feb. 26.

“I think they (her children) see this as a ticket to Australia,” Samuelson said. “I told them this is a ticket to South Carolina.”

Body slam for XFL

Jay Leno, on the recent announcement that the XFL will begin playing pro football after the NFL’s Super Bowl in 2001: “Are there enough criminals to support two leagues?”

Maybe they could have a Cowboys split-squad.

Would you like to buy a vowel?

From comedy writer Jerry Perisho:

“The L.A. Dodgers signed shortstop Mark Grudzielanek to a four-year contract. The contract was six pages long. One page for the terms of the agreement, five pages for Grudzielanek’s signature.”

The last word …

“One of the warning signs of cocaine abuse, as found out by Diego Maradona: When you take so much, you think going to Cuba for treatment is a good idea.”

- Gary Shelton of the St. Petersburg (Fla.) Times.