When She Stretches Out, He Can’T Handle Change

“I’m seriously considering leaving Toby and finding a place of my own,” says Sylvia, a 33-year-old college student and mother of two boys, 11 and 9. “Being my own person is very important to me, and Toby is making that impossible.”

At school, Sylvia says, she’s treated with respect, but at home, her husband patronizes her and takes her for granted. “I feel like an unappreciated nobody,” she says. “Toby treats me as if I were a child, too dumb to make an independent decision. He scorns my decision to go back to school for a degree in social work. He doesn’t understand that I need a change. I wasn’t happy working in his office.”

Toby, 36, says he’s shocked that his wife is thinking of moving out. “She has no reason or right to leave us,” he says. “Sylvia doesn’t appreciate everything she has — a beautiful home, wonderful children and a husband who loves her. It’s never enough for her. I’m almost tempted to let her try flying solo so she can see what she’ll be missing.”

After eight months of living together, Sylvia discovered she was pregnant with their first son, Ethan.

When Ethan was 2, Sylvia became pregnant with their second child. Again, the pregnancy was unplanned, but the couple enjoyed being parents and were delighted with their new son, Matthew. “Having an infant and a toddler put me further away from my career goals, but I accepted it,” explains Sylvia. “It was my responsibility to be a good mother and wife.”

But in a few years, after the boys went to school, Sylvia was bored and unfulfilled being at home alone. Her part-time job as an office manager at Toby’s real-estate office didn’t thrill her, either. She talked to Toby about going back to school, but he kept brushing her off, telling her he needed her at work.

She secretly applied to college and when the acceptance letter arrived, she broke the news to Toby. He was furious. “He told me I betrayed him and he wasn’t going to pay for it,” she says. “My parents are helping me bankroll my education.”

“This is my wife’s decision. She didn’t consult me, so why should I foot the bill?” Toby says. “If she wants to be so independent, let her pay for school herself.”

Sylvia feels Toby doesn’t understand her needs. “Toby is a wonderful, loving father, but he doesn’t show any of that love to me,” she says. “He may not realize it, but he’s trying to control my life and keep me from realizing my dreams. I’ll be a happier person in the long run if I have the career I want, but Toby doesn’t even want to let me try.”

“As much as Sylvia would like to think she can have it all, she can’t,” Toby adds. “Her first commitment has to be to her husband and kids, not school, or this marriage is never going to work.”

“This couple has failed to successfully negotiate an arrangement that will satisfy them both. Communication has broken down, and in frustration Sylvia has made important decisions on her own, further escalating resentment,” says Willy A. Wiener, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and co-director of the Institute for Performance Advancement in New York City. “Sylvia needs to be more assertive, particularly in addressing her urges to return to school. Toby must learn to acknowledge and accommodate his wife’s needs.”

According to Wiener, Toby’s urging Sylvia to choose between family and education will only make her feel trapped and inspire more resentment. High on the agenda, says Wiener, should be ensuring that their individual hostilities are not played out through their children.

The fact that Toby had voluntarily agreed to go for counseling showed Sylvia he cared more for her than she had realized. Encouraged, she decided not to move out and the two pledged to start with a clean slate.

Toby began paying more attention to Sylvia, taking her out for a festive dinner where they calmly discussed the events that led up to their rift. In this quiet, uninterrupted environment, Sylvia was able to explain exactly how she felt, and Toby truly realized for the first time how much she resented being made to stay in a job she didn’t like and how much she needed a change. In turn, Sylvia discovered that Toby’s need for control stemmed from his insecurity.

“I’m afraid that if you go into an exciting new career, you might not need me anymore - or maybe you’ll find another man,” he confessed.

Once the couple understood why they had drifted, they began to talk openly and honestly. Although it was difficult for her, Sylvia forced herself to speak up and tell Toby when he hurt her feelings and what she needed from him. Toby realized that his fears about Sylvia’s new career were unfounded, and he assured her that she - and her happiness - were important.

The couple decided to make changes that would suit everyone. Toby took over Sylvia’s tuition payments, relieving her parents of the burden. Dinner has become more of a family event. Everyone takes turns talking about their day, and afterward, the boys help with the cleaning up. Toby then helps Matthew and Ethan with their homework while Sylvia does hers.

Both have carved out more time for themselves, with Sylvia leaving Friday nights and Saturdays open to be with her husband and sons. Toby is building a study room in the basement for his wife, so she’ll have a home office where she can retreat for some private time.

Toby and Sylvia happily report that their relationship is definitely back on the right track. “Toby’s my biggest supporter now,” says Sylvia. “He understands that once I finish school and get a job, it will make me happier and improve our financial situation.”