Tell Parents Your Needs, Feelings

Mon., Jan. 31, 2000

Q. My younger brother has a physical disability and is mildly retarded. Because of this, he gets all of my parents’ attention. I’m really starting to feel left out. When I want my parents to come to one of my games or go somewhere with me, they always use my brother as an excuse for why they can’t. Is it wrong for me to want just a little attention? What can I do?

A. It is not wrong for you to want attention, and it is very important that you get the necessary attention. If you remain silent, your needs will go unmet, and your parents would have missed a chance to be closer to you. It seems you are a compassionate person and asking to have some of your needs met is not selfish. Sit down with your parents and tell them what you feel and need. Hopefully the three of you will come up with ideas. Knowing what you feel and need, and talking about it is the first step toward resolving problems. - Stacey Mainer, M.S.W. Adolescent & Adult counseling

Q. My parents are divorced and it’s not a pretty situation. I’m always caught in the middle of their little war. Every time I’m with my mom, she’s bad-mouthing my dad. When I’m with my dad, he’s bad-mouthing my mom. I’m so tired of it. How can I make them stop?

A. This is one of the difficult and sad side effects of divorce. Here are some suggestions: First, when emotions are calm, tell them that you don’t want to hear bad things about the other parent, and let them know why. If it happens again, respectfully but assertively at the the time it happens, tell them again you don’t want to hear it. Use feelings words such as “it hurts” or “it makes me angry.” If it still doesn’t change, let them know ahead of time that you will end the conversation if they continue to speak badly of the other parent. Managing this in a respectful but assertive way will help you feel more in charge. I emphasize being respectful, as it appears there is a lot of anger in the family. Disrespect fuels the anger and then the argument would be about your disrespect rather than the real issue. - Stacey Mainer

What’s your advice?

Q: A friend of mine is going out with a guy who everyone says is doing drugs and drinking a lot. My friend says this isn’t true, but she is very trusting of people and I’m worried that she’s getting into something she won’t be able to get out of. I want to help, but I don’t know where to begin.

Q. There’s a girl I’ve liked for a long time but haven’t had the nerve to ask out. The Valentine’s dance is coming up. Would it be a bad move to ask her to the dance?

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