Stepfather Disciplines Unevenly
Q. My stepfather is terribly strict with me, but when his two kids come to visit, they get away with murder, talking back and acting rude and annoying everyone. If I do something like that, I get grounded or sent to my room. When I try to talk to my mom about it, she tells me I need to worry about how I act, not how they do. I don’t think that’s fair. What should I do?
A. Have you tried talking to your stepfather about this? If not, perhaps you could tell him specifically what you see and how it makes you feel. Maybe your mom could support you by being with you when you talk to him. Going to family counseling also could help with these issues. This, however, may be a situation that you will not be able to change. If that is the case, you will have to decide how you will handle the unfairness. Acting in a way that you know is right, even if part of you wants to rebel against the situation, will help you develop your own pride and sense of responsibility. - Stacey Mainer, M.S.W. Adolescent and Adult counseling
A. Try to make sure you’re not being as annoying as they are to get back at them. Then talk to your mom and stepdad - or write it if it’s easier to organize your case that way - and explain to them that your stepsiblings’ behavior is destructive to household peace. Be respectful - I’m sure it’s hard for parents always to be fair - but tell them that you feel they have a double standard. If your stepsiblings are loud when you’re doing stuff like homework, make sure you mention that. - Katherine Botkin, home schooler
A. Make a point to be especially polite and wellmannered when his children are getting out of hand. With any luck, your mom will be pleased, and both she and your stepdad will see by comparison how unruly the other kids are. Be especially nice to your new brothers and/or sisters; after all, kids learn best by example. - Julie Kanago, Central Valley
Q. My parents work and don’t get home until 5 p.m. My boyfriend keeps pressuring me to let him come over after school, but my parents have a no-boys-in-the-house rule when they’re gone. I’m responsible, and I want to be with him. My parents won’t even discuss changing the rule, even though they say they trust me. How can I convince them to let up?
A. It seems there are two separate issues. One is trying to convince your parents to let your boyfriend over when they are gone. It sounds like their guidelines are based on their concern and safety for you. They probably won’t change their minds until you are older. The second issue is that of your boyfriend pressuring you to go against your family’s rules. Ask yourself if respect is important in your relationships with others. Then ask yourself if he is respecting you and your parents. Hopefully thinking about these questions will help you look at some of the problems in this relationship.
A. Are you allowed to have guys come over if you have “supervision” of some type, such as friends your parents respect? You could ask your parents if your house could be used as a quiet, after-school hang out. Are you allowed to go to public places after school with your boyfriend? You could do that occasionally. I’m assuming you’ll want the house to yourself sometimes, too. If you don’t already have one, try building a strong relationship with your parents. And remember, your boyfriend probably won’t be with you forever, but your relationship with your parents will last a lifetime. - Katherine Botkin
What’s your advice?
Q: My older sister excels in school and wants to go to medical school. I’m an OK student with no plans for my future. My parents always are comparing us, and it makes me feel awful. How do I get them off my back?
Q. My brother spends a lot of time surfing Internet sites that would make my parents crazy if they knew. He knows I know and that I think it’s wrong. I want to tell my mom, but he’s bigger than me. Help.