Parents Can Overdue It With Praise
Q. What is the appropriate amount of praise for a 15-month-old?
I praise my toddler for specific accomplishments, but I don’t make a huge deal out of it. I want him to know that I’m proud of him, but I don’t want him to need my praise for everything he does. I have a friend who is teaching her child of the same age to clap for himself whenever he does anything nice. The mother also praises every time the child says anything (even words he has known for months). Am I wrong in fearing that this amount of praise is too much and will lead to future problems?
A. Your intuitions are right on target. It is not only unnecessary to praise a child, regardless of age, for every single accomplishment, it is also counterproductive in the long run.
Too much praise creates a dependency on being praised, which inhibits, rather than promotes, accomplishment and independence. Having a toddler clap for himself is well-intentioned silliness. Furthermore, once a child is fairly proficient at something, the message from his parents should be, in effect, “What you’re doing isn’t special, it’s simply the right thing to do.”
In another 18 months, your friend is going to wonder why her 3 year-old won’t leave her alone.
Q. Is it OK for me to snoop in my teenager’s books, notes, book-bag, diary, etc., if I suspect he may be up to something? If I find evidence of wrongdoing, how should I handle it? What if I find nothing?
A. There is no easy answer to this delicate issue. I believe a parent has a right to know if a child is up to no good, but I also believe a child has a right to privacy, albeit limited by the fact that he is a dependent.
You do not have a right to snoop, just to be nosy. If, however, you have a good reason to suspect shenanigans that are illegal, potentially harmful, or clearly inappropriate from a moral standpoint (such as collecting pornography), and your teen “stonewalls” any attempt to discuss the issue, then you have a right to snoop. If you find something, confront him/her with it and at the very least, insist upon an explanation. If a punishment is appropriate, punish. If, on the other hand, you snoop and find nothing, then I think you ought to ‘fess up and apologize. Trust is a mutual obligation, after all.
Q. How does one get a teenager to keep a clean, neat room? My 14 year-old says it’s his room to do with as he wants. Do you agree?
A. Not on your life! From early on, my wife and I told our kids (now married with children) they were guests in our home. Honored guests with a tenure of some 20 years, mind you, but guests nonetheless.
They were expected to be “good” guests, meaning they were to respect the standards we set regarding behavior and cleanliness. We told them that if they didn’t keep their rooms neat and clean, we reserved the right to clean them ourselves. In so doing, we would go through drawers, look under mattresses, and so on. In other words, if they wanted to keep us out of their rooms, all they had to do was maintain them according to the housekeeping standard that was in clear evidence in the rest of the home.
As I recall, my wife, Willie, and I “sterilized” each of their rooms once, and once only. That was all it took. We psychologists term it “one trial learning.”