Couple Must Focus On Each Other
If Peter really loves me, why doesn’t he tell his ex-wife to leave us alone? She’s destroying our family!” says Anabel, 26, a travel agent four months pregnant with her first child. “Kathy is emotionally unstable and does whatever she can to make trouble between me and Peter. I know we can’t cut her out of our lives entirely - she has joint custody of their son - but this is intolerable.”
Peter, 46, an executive for a toy manufacturer, wishes his wife were more understanding of the situation.
“Granted, Kathy is difficult, but I still feel I have to help her,” he says. “Her parents are both gone, and our son, Lonnie, and I are really the only family she has left. Compassion has always been my strong suit, and I can’t turn my back on her.”
Anabel believes Kathy’s behavior is hurting their marriage. “When I try to talk to Peter, he tells me to mind my own business,” she says. “I’m just trying to make peace between father and son. This isn’t easy for me - marrying an older man, becoming an instant stepmother and now having a baby. But Peter doesn’t seem to realize that.”
Four years ago, Peter used Anabel’s travel agency to book a vacation. After returning from the Bahamas, he called Anabel again, this time to ask her out.
“Even though he was 20 years older than me, I thought he was one of the most attractive and nicest men I’d ever met,” Anabel says. After a whirlwind courtship, they were married.
“The first year was wonderful; we were the perfect little family, and Lonnie was so sweet,” says Anabel. Kathy hardly ever exercised her visitation rights, which was just fine with them. Then, without warning, Kathy began showing up unannounced, demanding to take Lonnie for the weekend and then bringing him back on Monday, too late to take him to school.
“Peter has talked to Kathy about keeping to her curfew,” Anabel adds. “She’ll behave for a few weeks, then start up again, bringing Lonnie home late or coming by for him on days she doesn’t have custody. This kind of behavior - not to mention her drinking - was the reason Peter divorced her in the first place. And Kathy thinks nothing of calling at all hours to complain. Instead of hanging up, Peter lets her rant! It’s humiliating to watch.”
Peter understands Anabel’s position, but feels powerless.
“I know Kathy is impossible, but if I push her too much, I’m afraid she’ll pull some stunt like taking me to court and contesting my custody rights,” he says. “Anabel resents the fact that I have any contact with Kathy at all, and she constantly tells me I should be tougher with her. So now I have two women yelling at me, and I can’t think straight.”
“This is a blended family with many common, yet difficult, characteristics,” says Don W. Hebbard, Ed.D., director for the Institute for Marriage and Family in Oklahoma City. “Peter lost his wife and first family, Kathy lost her husband and son and Lonnie lost his intact family. Anabel has also lost her dream of an `ideal’ family and a smooth transition into motherhood. With all the confusing issues it’s easy to lose sight of the relationship priority.”
Hebbard suggests Peter and Anabel work on strengthening their marital bond first since it’s the primary relationship here. Then he adds, if someone is abusing access to them, the loving thing to do is to deny them that access.
Making matters worse, each of them had a totally different way of communicating. While this wasn’t a problem during what their counselor called “peacetime,” it became a serious issue when they were in conflict. Peter talked slowly and thoughtfully, pausing frequently to find just the right word. Anabel was more rushed and glib, and she jumped in to finish her husband’s sentences.
The therapist suggested they turn on a tape recorder during one of their conversations at home and listen to the recording at the next session. They were surprised to hear their speech patterns were so different. Peter worked on finishing his thoughts more quickly, while Anabel took deep breaths to keep from interrupting. As they became more conscious of their habits, each of them started focusing on what the other had to say.
In private therapy sessions, Peter worked on confronting his problematic relationship with Kathy. He conceded that he needed to let go of his connection to her and give himself fully to his son and new family.
Feeling empowered, Peter met with Kathy and told her that he wouldn’t put up with her unacceptable behavior any longer. From now on, he said, she was to call their house only between 8 in the morning and 10 at night, and if she wanted to see Lonnie on non-visitation days, she was to give them a day’s advance notice. To Peter’s surprise, Kathy didn’t put up a fight, and she stopped calling at all hours.
The birth of their baby girl, Kayla, has brought the family closer together. Anabel is thrilled her husband has taken a stand and that their lives have returned to a much more peaceful state.