This Is One Ugly Couple

Perhaps it’s time to start locking up the women and children when the Chicago Cubs and Milwaukee Brewers tangle. Since the Brewers switched to the National League in 1998, the Central Division rivals have played 28 times, each club winning 14 times. Usually in very ugly fashion.

Last Thursday’s classic was only the latest example. The Brewers won 14-8, but took 4 hours, 22 minutes to do it, tying the major league record for the longest nineinning game. The game’s 10 pitchers allowed 22 runs on 35 hits and 19 walks.

In their 28 meetings, the Cubs and Brewers have combined for 417 runs (an average of 14.89 per game) and 111 home runs (3.96 per game). The winning team has scored in double figures 11 times.

“To tell you the truth, I’m getting tired of these games with the Brewers,” Cubs first baseman Mark Grace said. “We’re like the NBA. Just watch the last 20 minutes and you’ll see all you need to see.”

This is getting old in a hurry

The Cubs bullpen has an ERA over 7.50 and has blown about half of its save opportunities.

Concluded first-year Cubs manager Don Baylor, “I spent six years at Coors Field (managing the Rockies). I feel like I’ve already spent six years here.”

New math works for Mets

All it would have taken was some acknowledgment of wrongdoing for the Mets to give Rickey Henderson one more chance in New York, manager Bobby Valentine said, after he had squandered so many others.

But faced with a player who felt little remorse for a gaffe - when he broke out in a home-run trot and ended up with a single when the ball stayed in the park - the Mets released Henderson last week, ending the all-time stolen base king’s tumultuous, if not productive, stint with the team.

“This is addition by subtraction,” general manager Steve Phillips said.

Lost in the translation

Four years ago, an on-air, in-game conversation between Los Angeles Lakers announcers Chick Hearn and Stu Lantz went like this:

“Shaq O’Neal has a new rap CD out, and it’s pretty good,” Hearn said.

“So do you like rap?” Lantz asked.

“Rat?” Hearn said.

“No, rap.”

“Did you ask if I liked rat?”

The last word …

“When they want something or need something, they’re very cordial. Other than that, they treat you like you have leprosy.”

Pete Rose, who said baseball officials haven’t returned calls from his agent seeking permission for Rose to attend upcoming anniversary celebrations of the 1975 Cincinnati Reds and the 1980 Philadelphia Phillies