Couple Must Face Issues With Ill Child

I don’t think my husband cares at all about our little boy,” says Teri, 32, a human resources associate. “Cole, who’s 5 now, has been battling leukemia for nearly two years, and last summer, he took a turn for the worse. There was one terrible night when doctors told us Cole might not live until morning. Darren mumbled something about an important conference call and left me alone at Cole’s bedside. How could he even think about business at a time like that?

“God heard our prayers, and Cole’s been in remission ever since,” Teri continues. “But while he was receiving more chemotherapy, I was the one who stayed at the hospital, leaving only to check in with our older son, Brandon, who was staying with his grandmother. Darren would visit Cole every day, but never for long. A few months later, he was named eastern sales manager for a large Internet company, and that was the day he officially resigned from our family.”

Darren, 33, says he’s not as cold-hearted as his wife makes him out to be. “Can she honestly believe that I don’t love my son?” he says. “I was devastated when we found out he had cancer. It’s just that Teri is a lot stronger than I am. It kills me to see my little boy in pain. The night I left to take the conference call, I actually canceled the meeting, drove home and fell to my knees, crying and praying.”

Teri says that Darren’s ambition was one of the things she admired about him when she met him during her senior year of college. The couple married shortly after Darren got his master’s in business administration, and Teri had Brandon and Cole within two years of each other.

Teri says the couple was perpetually tired, and that, coupled with the grief over Cole’s diagnosis, brought on her husband’s explosive anger.

Darren says he doesn’t mean to blow up at his wife, but the stress of their son’s illness has pushed him to the breaking point. “I know I should be more patient, but I can’t,” he says. “I get that from my father. It gets to me when Teri nags me about going to the hospital or pushes me to make snap decisions about Cole’s treatment. At home, where I feel safe, I need to vent.

“While we were dating, we were best friends who could talk about anything. Now, all Teri cares about is Cole’s health,” Darren adds. “Of course, that’s important, but just once in a while, I’d like to come home and have her ask me about my day, rather than giving me the latest report on our son’s white-cell count. Teri’s pulling away from me, and that hurts. That’s why I get mad, and the more angry I am, the more she withdraws. No one who hasn’t gone through the experience of having a sick child can know what it’s like. We need all the help we can get to be a team again.”

“It’s hard for me to believe that Darren loves us,” Teri replies. “Strength and power are all he cares about, and I think he simply has no patience for the fact that Cole may never be a healthy boy. I don’t know if I can live with a man like that.”

“Both partners are clearly disappointed with their marriage and aren’t getting what they need from each other,” says New York City-based therapist Estelle Klatzkin. “Darren is a very self-centered, immature guy who needs to get some individual help before he can tackle the problems in his marriage. If Teri loves him enough to want to save the relationship, she needs to allow Darren the room to mature.”

Klatzkin says Darren’s behavior stems from fear and the inability to deal with the thought of losing their son. “Many husbands leave their marriages when there’s a sick child because it’s usually more stress than they can handle,” she says. “Right now Darren’s not completely running, but he will if he doesn’t have an outlet to work through his issues. Teri also could benefit from dealing with her anger and resentment toward Cole’s illness and her husband’s behavior.”

During their first six sessions, the two sat as far apart as possible, and their body language was markedly different; Teri huddled in her chair with her arms folded tightly, while Darren leaned forward and made broad, sweeping gestures. These dissimilarities made it difficult for them to face their grief together.

It was unacceptable for Darren to vent his anger so violently at home, said their counselor. He suggested that Darren leave the room when he felt an outburst coming on and take some time to cool off. Teri also gave him some time alone when he came home, just to unwind. It wasn’t long before Darren became more relaxed and less tempted to fly off the handle.

The counselor also suggested that they not make Cole’s illness the focus of all their daily conversations; everyone needs a break. He told the couple to leave the boys with a sitter and go to the movies a few nights a month. It was important for them to spend some time alone with Brandon, too.

Darren has cut back on his work hours so he has more time with his family. He and Teri go out regularly and plan fun activities for both sons; recently, they all went out to ballgame. Teri reports that they are much stronger as a family.