Apple Cup Logic Will Deteriorate Until Game’S Too Close To Call

`Welcome back to Declension 2000, our numbing round-the-clock coverage of the deterioration of everything into a Florida election joke. I’m anchorman Bjorn Luzer.

“Before we go to our exclusive revelation that the 300-vote lead to which George W. Bush is clinging in the Sunshine State came on absentee ballots cast solely by Elian Gonzalez, our experts are projecting the Washington State Cougars to be the winners in this weekend’s Apple Cup with 51 percent of the points.

“This is a pivotal point for the sentimental campaign to get Oregon State into the Rose Bowl, heretofore considered a bigger longshot than a Dukakis presidency. The jubilation at Beavers headquarters is … wait, we have this report from correspondent Blitz Wolfer.”

Blitz Wolfer: “Bjorn, our projection has failed to put a damper on the spirits of University of Washington tailgaters sipping semillon in an $80,000 motor home from Don James Time-to-Travel RV. They don’t believe it and, in fact, one of them is on his cellphone right now with your boss, threatening an injunction and demanding that you be fired for reporting it. Back to you.”

Bjorn Luzer: “Uh, to update that previous story, it seems our Apple Cup projections were based on a flawed exit poll of WSU fans leaving the pre-game social at Hollingbery Fieldhouse after draining several kegs and an emergency 12-pack. We are now projecting the University of Washington Huskies to be the winners of the 38th Apple Cup with 51 percent of the points. Let’s go to Pullman and correspondent Fuzzy Mathis for the reaction.”

Fuzzy Mathis: “It’s not the reaction you’d expect, Bjorn. Rioting Cougars fans have sent a burning Dumpster rolling down Colorado Street toward police - not in protest of our new projection, but because the Fieldhouse social ran out of Buckhorn. Bjorn?”

Bjorn Luzer: “In the interest of public safety, our projection team has - upon further review - declared the 2000 Apple Cup too close to call. For more on this extremely tight contest, let’s go to Linus Scrimmage on the field.”

Linus Scrimmage: “Bjorn, we’re beginning to hear reports of many irregularities in the process that could throw this entire race into the courts.

“It’s being alleged that WSU officials tried to discourage Huskies fans from attending the game by making prospective Apple Cup ticket buyers actually purchase a three-game package of Cougs games, knowing that most Dawgs fans would rather listen to country music on the radio in an American car than set foot in Martin Stadium more than once every two years. The resulting expanse of empty seats is the same-old, same-old for the Cougars, but the Huskies are disoriented, since the crowd is smaller than what they draw for their spring scrimmage.

“It’s also alleged that the `butterfly’ listing of plays on his wristband has confused Cougars quarterback Matt Kegel, to the point where he’s singing the Havre Blue Pony fight song in the huddle. Confusion also reigns in the Huskies rooting section, where the blue hairs still can’t believe their team is being coached by that kid from `Silver Spoons.’ ”

Bjorn Luzer: “Keep us posted on those developments, Linus. And now to Jacques Strapp in the press box.”

Jacques Strapp: “The issue could boil down to this, Bjorn. The Huskies are winning in the popular points total on the scoreboard, but the Cougars have triumphed in three key quarters. This means it will be decided by the Electoral College.”

Linus Scrimmage: “Jacques, I’m here with WSU coach Mike Price and he was wondering if that tall wide receiver from Electoral College still plans on transferring up here next year.”

Bjorn Luzer: “Is there any real proof of fraud or tampering? Our Apple Cup analyst is Norm de Guerre - what about it, Norm?”

Norm de Guerre: “What’s suspicious is the amount of points showing for a third-party team - in this case, Oregon State. That could be due to an OSU grad being in charge of the stats crew, or with one of those missing Buckhorn kegs getting smuggled up into the scoreboard operator’s booth.

“It’s also a little suspicious that the Huskies are No. 5 in the latest BCS poll and the team they lost to, Oregon, is No. 7. But then, I don’t think anybody can make sense of those ballots, Bjorn.”

Linus Scrimmage: “Norm, Coach Price was wondering if BCS is going to televise any of his games next year.”

Bjorn Luzer: “Well, I think we can see where this is going. There’s going to have to be a recount.”

Anita Tymout: “Bjorn, this is Anita Tymout at Pac-10 headquarters. I think you’re going to see Wazzu fight like crazy to prevent that, because the Cougars are already 0-3 in recounts this year. Also because UW coach Rick Neuheisel has a history of sending his recounters out a day early, which is a violation.”

Bjorn Luzer: “What if it’s handled by an unbiased third party beyond reproach?”

Anita Tymout: “Sorry, the only person available here is Jerry Gastellum.”

Bjorn Luzer: “So what’s the likely outcome of this if it’s headed for the courts? Norm de Guerre?”

Norm de Guerre: “I think you’ve got to like the Cougars, especially since Wally Friel’s still a sitting judge in Whitman County for the time being. Also, I understand most lawyers in King County - defenders and prosecutors alike - are busy trying to keep players out of jail.”

Bjorn Luzer: “There you have it from the 2000 Apple Cup in Pullman where it’s still too close to call. This is Bjorn … wait, it looks like we have one more late-breaking report from our woman in the luxury suites.”

Mia Culpah: “Bjorn, it’s official. I just talked to WSU athletic director Jim Sterk, and the Cougars will open the 2001 season against Electoral College. They’ll replace Idaho which, frankly, had to upgrade its schedule.”