A New Career For Keith

Thomas Boswell in the Washington Post: “If only political elections had slow-motion replay, all this aggravation wouldn’t be necessary.

“We could have Keith Jackson coming out of his semi-retirement to do the play-by-play.

“`We’ve got a good camera angle on John Doe, 78, of Palm Beach County. He’s about to mark his ballot. Whoa, Nellie, he appears to be a little confused. Looks like he voted for Pat Buchanan and Al Gore.’

“`Let’s get an isolation shot on that and freeze it. Yes, we can see daylight and a hanging chad on the same ballot.”’

Little fear, lots of loathing

ESPN.com columnist Hunter S. Thompson, arguing that pitchers should be replaced by pitching machines to shorten major league games.

“Pitchers, as a group, are pampered little swine with too much money and no real effect on the game except to drag it out and interrupt the action.”

A little selfishness is a good thing

Gary Myers in the New York Daily News, on Jets QB Vinny Testaverde:

“Everybody is searching for an answer why Testaverde is reverting to an interception machine from his days with the Bucs and Browns-Ravens. Is it Bill Parcells leaving? Is it the year off following the Achilles injury? Has he hit the wall as a quarterback at 37?

“The answer: Vinny misses Keyshawn (Johnson). “`He was a big-time player,’ Testaverde said. `If guys were covered, there was a chance to throw the ball up to him, throw it high and it would be caught or incomplete because he’d fight and he wouldn’t let anybody catch the ball but himself.”’ It’s a hotbed for the Blue Party

Cal punter Nick Harris had quite a time exchanging political views with Oregon fans a few weeks ago in Eugene, Ore. “Now I know why this state voted for Gore,” Harris said. “Their fans were very liberal with their language.”

A bit much

Jim Armstrong in the Denver Post: “Not that agent Scott Boras’ 65-page testament to Alex Rodriguez’s greatness is syrupy or anything, but it begins, `He was born in a hospital, but it was near a manger.”’

We’ve heard it before

At the beginning of an NBC “Dateline,” a jailhouse interview was promoted like this: “For the first time, Darryl Strawberry tells his stunning story.”

Phil Mushnick of the New York Post scoffed, “Darryl Strawberry tells his stunning story every couple of weeks.”

The last word …

“That was the most boring game in the history of football.”

- Former USC quarterback Mike Rae, recalling the 1971 UCLA-USC game that ended in a 7-7 tie.