Bidding For Attention

Writing on his Web site, “The Accidental Cynic,” media critic Norman Chad, who also writes an NFL predictions column, offered a directory of what America’s top sportscasters sound like. A sampling:

Keith Jackson: “Sounds like a steer auctioneer.”

Bob Costas: “Sounds like the kid in the back of the room in the seventh grade.”

John Madden: “Sounds like that big, friendly dog that slurps the water out of your toilet bowl.”

One toga to go, please

Here’s the latest analysis of Redskins owner Dan Snyder by Tony Kornheiser of the Washington Post:

“(He) has stepped to the head of the line, ahead of George Steinbrenner and Jerry Jones, as the symbol of the hands-on, quick-fix, woe-if-we-lose owner.

“The reaction shots of Snyder in the owner’s box, his emotions cascading with every play, are meant to suggest a Roman emperor.”

Network that, um, seldom sleeps

Tom FitzGerald, in the San Francisco Chronicle:

“NBC delayed Stacy Dragila’s decisive pole vault so long Monday night (Sept. 25) that the suspense was right out of Hitchcock - as long as you were in the bathroom when a Visa commercial scooped the network and congratulated Dragila on her gold medal.”

You’ll wish you didn’t know this

Reports T.J. Simers in the Los Angeles Times:

“I have transcripts from Larry King’s interview with Bobby Knight this week, and if Knight is to be believed, coaches across the nation should be brought up on child abuse charges, beginning with Penn State’s Joe Paterno.

“After King asked Knight about the video showing Knight choking one of his players, Knight said he heard from Paterno.

“(Paterno) said, `If that’s something that’s really upsetting to the people at Indiana, the people at Penn State would be upset 200 times a year with me.’ “King looked surprised to hear Paterno apparently endorses players being choked. `He handles - he touches players?’ King asked.

“Knight: `He told me that.’ “King: `You think coaches are touching players all over America?’ “Knight: “I don’t think there’s any question about it.”

Just a trick, honest

Amateur magician and University of South Carolina football coach Lou Holtz, on being invited by President Clinton to spend a night at the White House:

“I’ve read about all those people who have to contribute to stay. I’ve stayed there and didn’t contribute anything. In fact, I took some linen.”

The last word …

“As soon as I suggested Davey Johnson was a dead man, the Dodgers came to life. I hope I was in time.”

- T.J. Simers, writing as the baseball season entered its final days in Los Angeles.