Be Respectful But Direct When Parting
Q. How do I break off an unhealthy, three-year friendship? This girl lies about serious things and always makes fun of me. I think she has a self-esteem problem, and I don’t want to make that worse by dumping her as a friend. But I can’t stand being around her. I can’t just say, “I don’t want to be your friend anymore,” but that’s what I want to do. Help!
A. Ending a relationship in a respectful manner will not only lessen the hurt but help you feel better about how you handled the situation. Being honest in a kind way will help this girl understand why the friendship has to end. Rather than just listing the things she’s done wrong, tell her what you value in a friendship and that these things are missing from your relationship with her. Let her know the lies and laughter at your expense have been hurtful. And for your part, understand that it takes two people to have a friendship. Sort out how you have been a part of some of these problems. If this unhealthy friendship continued for three years, where was your voice when she laughed at and lied to you? If you can understand your role, with any luck your future relationships will be much healthier. - Stacey Mainer, M.S.W. Adolescent & Adult counseling
A. I realize that ending your friendship with this girl will be very hard, but in the end it may turn out to be for the best. The best way to end your friendship is to be direct. Tell your friend you don’t like how she treats you and say nicely that you don’t want to be friends anymore. Tell her that she needs to change her ways, have a better attitude and not be so critical of everyone - especially the people who want to be her friend. - Jennifer Kassner, Shadle
Q. I have a lot of friends who call me after school to chat. My life is so boring that I can’t think of anything to say to them. What can I do to get the conversation going?
A. While you may feel uncomfortable talking with your friends, they probably don’t sense your strain because they keep calling. You likely are giving more back in the conversation than you realize. However, to ease your discomfort, try asking them questions as a way to continue the dialogue. After they answer, you can comment on what they said. It also sounds like you want some changes in your life so that it doesn’t seem so boring. What about taking part in after-school activities, doing volunteer work or finding something to do after school? That might make your life seem more interesting. - Stacey Mainer
A. The best way to start off a conversation is to ask how your friend is doing or what is going on in his/her life. By asking that kind of question, it lets the person know that you are interested in having a conversation with them. Then try and talk about an interest you both have or something that happened at school or work. Remember, just because you don’t do anything after school doesn’t mean you can’t have an interesting conversation with your friends. - Jennifer Kassner
What’s your advice?
Q: There’s a rumor going around at school that I’m sleeping with a teacher. While this teacher is my friend (he’s helped me through some rough times with my family), we don’t have anything close to a physical relationship. I admit that I have a crush on him, but he’s never been anything but a gentleman to me. What I’m worried about is that another teacher might hear these rumors, and my teacher/friend could lose his job. What should I do about the rumors, and how do I prove to the entire school that it’s not true. By the way, the teacher doesn’t know about the rumors.
Q. My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost a year now. Sometimes I feel I’m putting more effort into the relationship than he does. Is it common for the girl to do more than the guy? And when I say effort, I mean things like calling him, making plans, etc.