Regaining Trust A Slow Process Alcoholic Ex-Husband Vows He Has Changed His Habits

“Paul and I divorced two years ago because of his drinking problem,” says Victoria, 45, the owner of a travel agency and mother of two. “Now he’s been going to AA and seems to be sober, and thinks we should get back together. I never stopped loving Paul, and I’m actually considering his offer. Am I crazy?”

Paul, 44, the owner of a successful landscaping business, wants more than anything to reunite with the wife he still loves. “I knew Victoria wouldn’t allow me to come back unless she was convinced that I had really changed,” he says. “My chance came when she had foot surgery six months ago; I asked if I could help, and she agreed. It meant that at least she had some confidence in me.”

“Having Paul around the house again was wonderful,” says Victoria. “It was the most considerate he’s been in the two years we’ve been divorced. One night after Trent and Steffi went to bed, Paul and I had some coffee and talked, and I felt very close to him. Before I knew it, we were in the bedroom making love.”

The next morning, Paul urged Victoria to think about remarrying him, but she was terrified.

“Paul is definitely sober, but there are still problems,” she says. “I still find it hard to communicate and compromise with him, especially when it comes to the kids. They adore Paul, but he comes up with a lot of excuses not to spend much time with them. AA meetings are now the handy excuse not to get too involved with his family; when we were married, it was his job, friends and booze.”

Victoria’s demand for a divorce was a wake-up call for Paul. He found a local chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous and turned his life around.

“Once I started attending AA, I understood what Victoria had been saying, and I vowed never to have another drink,” says Paul. “It’s been a year and a half, and I’ve kept my promise. I’ve also had a lot of time to think about how much I love and miss Victoria. I want another chance. I really believe we can make this work.”

For the last few months, the couple have been dating and having sex regularly. But though Victoria is enjoying the time she spends with Paul, she can’t bring herself to say yes to marriage, because she’s afraid to open herself up to disappointment again.

“Paul has a lot of difficulty dealing with feelings; many people who’ve had trouble with substance abuse encounter this problem. Initially Paul `checked out’ of the marriage with alcohol and now he’s doing it again with his AA meetings,” says Shari L. Kirkland, Ph.D., co-author of “Red Hot Relationships: How to Defuse the Anger and Keep the Romance” (New Horizon Press). “Paul tends to use excuses to act out and that leads to many of this couple’s difficulties.”

Kirkland says both partners lack problem-solving and communication skills. She suggests Victoria and Paul need to start working on their issues by structuring more interaction and couple time.

She also believes Victoria should examine how she listens to Paul, and ask, “Is there something I’m doing that’s making it harder for Paul to communicate with me?” Acknowledging what Paul says without being defensive is a way for him to feel more comfortable and open up more readily.

Paul wasn’t used to expressing his emotions openly, but in therapy, he was encouraged to share what was going on inside. In turn, Victoria realized she needed to be more patient with him, and listen more carefully. She had a tendency to interrupt if she disagreed with something Paul said, and to make demands rather than requests.

To improve their communication the therapist suggested they bring their personal problems - especially ones concerning the children - to counseling sessions, where the counselor could moderate. For example, one day they came in arguing over Steffi, who wanted to stay over at a friend’s house on a school night. Knowing her dad was the more lenient parent, Steffi went to him for permission. Paul said OK to the sleepover without consulting Victoria, who was furious when she found out.

When the counselor pointed out how this undercut Victoria’s authority, Paul finally understood he needed to share in the parental decision-making.

Victoria was encouraged to begin attending meetings of Al-Anon, a support group for family members and spouses of alcoholics. The meetings helped her understand what caused Paul’s drinking and how much he needed AA to maintain his sobriety.

After several months of counseling, the family took their first vacation together in years. On the last day of the trip, the couple found a justice of the peace and remarried with Steffi and Trent as witnesses.