Sweeping Change When Housework Threatens A Marriage It Might Be Time To Call In The Maids

Kathy Fitzgerald Sherman’s book “A Housekeeper Is Cheaper Than a Divorce” is potentially life altering for millions of frustrated wives and mothers who are trapped on a treadmill running like mad but going nowhere.

We’re tired, frustrated and downright cranky. Still, the laundry keeps piling up.

It’s not merely conjecture that women are overworked. Sherman’s book cites a 1998 Whirlpool Foundation Study that found American mothers average 35 hours per week doing housework: Employed moms average 32 hours and stay-at-home moms, 39.

These hours don’t include time spent raising children.

Sherman says mass chore overload causes fatigue, health problems and diminished sex drive. It’s hard to feel amorous when you’d rather be sleeping.

Not to mention, there’s an angry inner voice some of us hear when we’re up to our elbows in toilet water while our husbands head off for another round of golf.

“We’re taught to try and get our husbands to spend less time having fun and spend more time doing something they don’t like. Instead of spreading the misery, spread the pleasure. Why shouldn’t you have time to go golfing?” Sherman said during a recent phone interview, from her home in California.

Instead of nagging unmotivated spouses to get off the couch and unload the dishwasher, Sherman suggests we cease this futile banter and hire help.

Without the stress of undone housework hanging overhead, we’ll be happier and our marriages will be stronger, says Sherman.

She knows this from personal experience. After giving up a career as a motivational speaker to stay home with her first child, Sherman found herself suffocating under a mound of housework. Her husband, a self-confessed slob, was no help.

Instead of fulfilling her goals of becoming Super Mom and building a successful writing career, she was endlessly scrubbing sinks and doing laundry.

“There was no way to do anything part-time or do any kind of training.”

Sherman’s health suffered because she continually put off doctor appointments. Problems in her marriage surfaced and the couple landed in a counselor’s office.

“By then I could see, ‘God, no wonder I’m miserable, no wonder I’m exhausted,’ ” the author said.

Sherman’s book was inspired by changes that transpired after she hired a 20-hour-per-week housekeeper. “The shift in my lifestyle was so dramatically overwhelming that I just felt there was a book in it.”

The couple’s need for counseling disappeared. Sherman’s family found time for weekly outings. She caught up on medical treatment she’d delayed and started exercising.

Spokane’s Cathy Hughes, a wife and mother of three, works part time as a medical technician. Seven years ago, she was scrambling to keep up with all of her responsibilities.

“I got tired of, on my days off, working at home and not being able to do the things I enjoyed, and just got tired of nagging at my husband to help with the housework,” says Hughes.

Her husband, a full-time coach and teacher who despises cleaning, suggested they hire a housecleaner. Amaculate Housekeeping Service cleans Hughes’ home twice a month for $100.

“It’s really great when you come home and everything is clean and shiny and it smells like cleaners and your bed is made and your pillow is fluffed. You think, `This is living,”’ Hughes says.

Recently, the family was looking for a new vehicle and discussed potential budget trims.

“We’re thinking where can we cut and Dave’s saying, `We are not getting rid of the housekeeper, that’s not an option,”’ Hughes says.

“A Housekeeper Is Cheaper Than a Divorce” helps absolve women from guilt associated with not being June Cleaver. But shedding that self-imposed role is difficult.

Karen Phares, an administrative assistant for the Court of Appeals, and her husband, an outside sales representative, are empty nesters who hired a housecleaner four years ago.

“I was having a hard time thinking I was going to pay someone for this. I don’t know if I’ve ever really gotten over the guilt, but it’s a big weight off my shoulders,” says Phares.

Between weekend camping trips and baby-sitting granddaughters, she had three short days to accomplish a week’s worth of chores. Although her husband helped, she felt a constant push to get things done.

At her spouse’s urging, Phares hired a housekeeper who works three hours every other week. “I feel less stressed is what a lot of it is and it does make the relationship better because I’m not crabby.”

While Phares used to rush home after work to get started on chores, she and her husband now relax in the evenings.

Sherman suggests people plan carefully before hiring help. First, make a list of chores you perform and how long each takes. You have the choice of delegating the task to family, eliminating it, keeping it or hiring it out.

“I hate to cook, so for me a priority is someone who can follow recipes and cook,” says Sherman.

Once you’ve established the type of help you need, look at your budget. Sometimes simple cuts can produce enough income to hire help. A family that’s too busy to cook might spend $50 a week on take-out food. A cook eliminates that expense and generates $200 a month.

Having help enabled Sherman to drive her children to school, leaving her husband an additional 45 minutes each day to bill for his consulting services. The extra income paid the housekeeper’s salary.

Sherman suggests families avoid hiring live-in help because it’s harder to maintain professional boundaries.

If you must hire live-in, provide your employee with separate accommodations and a separate TV. Make a distinction between work hours and personal time. Don’t ask your housekeeper to work during off hours.

“A Housekeeper Is Cheaper Than A Divorce” offers tips on advertising, interviewing, managing and evaluating employees.

Although hiring help may initially be a hassle, the ongoing rewards are priceless, says Sherman.

“My goal as a mom is to be a teller of stories, not a sorter of socks.”

To order a copy of “A Housekeeper Is Cheaper Than a Divorce: Why You Can Afford to Hire Help and How to Get It” visit www.lifetoolspress.com or call (877) 333-5545.

Staff illustration by Molly Quinn