Reality would have Barbie driving van

News item, Nov. 23: Barbie has seen sales slide over the past seven quarters. To re-energize its flagship brand, the world’s largest toymaker set out to cast Barbie and her pals in a series of books, magazines and animated films.

Kmart ad, Nov. 24: Sale Cali Girl Barbie, $1.83. Limit five.

So this is where it all ends for me, California Girl Barbie, and for you, too, my loyal friend California Girl Christie. Here we sit on the discount shelves at Kmart on East Sprague. What an embarrassment! Remember my glory days? I was introduced at the 1959 toy fair in New York by my creator, Mattel.

Some say I was inspired by actress Brigitte Bardot. She was a beauty – curvy and sexy. Now Bardot is really old and never wears makeup and rescues animals and the tabloids sometimes catch her looking like a bag lady. Sad.

I cost $3 in 1959. And now I’m cheaper than a latte. I tried so hard to stay current. I changed with the times. I studied to be a doctor, even though math was hard for me. I even competed in the Olympics – in a skirt!

I kept up with all the fashion trends, too. I wore an Afro in the ‘70s, even though I was Caucasian. But Mattel changed that dynamic, too. Why Christie, you are my best friend and you are African-American!

Mattel hopes to revitalize lagging sales by featuring me in films. Well, in human years I am almost 45. I’m so upset today I’d like to propose a reality show called “Barbie at 45.” That would really sink sales! I’d get rid of this body, first thing. No way I could keep this look without unhealthy dieting, liposuction and botox.

Some women in their 40s and 50s say it’s a relief to turn a little invisible in our culture as you age. You get away with more, because no one’s really watching.

The blurb on the back of the box I’m sold in says that as the sun sets, I get a call on my cell phone, meet up with my friends and then: “They grab their gear and jump into the 4x4 heading off to the most real bonfire beach party just up the coast.”

In the “Barbie at 45” most real reality show, I’d be in my car driving home from work at sunset, yelling to the teens “Can you hear me now?” as the cell phone connection fades in and out over the Maple Street Bridge. I’d change into sweats right away, then get dinner on, with help from Ken, then do the dishes, get on the phone and chat with friends while nagging the kids to do their homework and when they ask for help in math, I’d remind them it wasn’t my forte.

And then Ken would yell from the living room that I said the word wrong – again. “It’s pronounced ‘fort!’ ” he’d say, and we’d have that same old argument.

Then I’d plop in bed with a magazine and read it during the commercial breaks in my favorite chick show, “The Gilmore Girls.” I’d yell goodnight to the kids and realize it was a good day or maybe it wasn’t so good, but this is how life dances on at 45. It’s not so bad to let go of all that proving of ourselves, all that changing to meet society’s expectations of what it means to be a modern woman. I didn’t really enjoy the Olympics, truth be told.

Maybe I deserved this sorry fate. I worry sometimes, Christie, that the Barbie mindset infiltrated Hollywood, which infiltrated our culture’s expectations of how women should look. I know it’s silly to blame a doll for what happened to that nice actress, former “Cheers” star Shelley Long. Allegedly, she tried to kill herself last week. She’d been depressed over a marriage breakup, but I wonder if it was more than that. She’s 55 and I haven’t seen her in any movies or TV shows lately.

So I guess, Christie, being on these discount shelves has been good for me. It forced me to face reality. I was once Barbie, queen of the doll world. And now I’m being replaced by different dolls — edgy Bratz and silly Polly Pocket. This is the natural order of things. Even that perky Dan Rather is getting treated like an uncollectible Beanie Baby these days.

Courage! I found some just by venting, Christie. I might be only worth $1.83, but I’m still Barbie. And I’m OK — as is.