Whom she spends holiday with up to her

Carolyn Hax is off for the holidays. The following are excerpts from holiday 2003 live discussions on washingtonpost.com.

Dear Carolyn: At what point is one obligated to spend the holidays with their significant other? I am engaged, but my very traditional family’s custom is to not have SOs over or go to his house until after marriage. My fiance’s family expects all SOs to start sharing holidays upon dating, and fiance has been very upset that he isn’t invited to my family’s holidays and that my parents would have a meltdown if I were to go to his place. (I agree with my parents, actually – who wants to start all that holiday swapping pain before you absolutely have to, and fiance’s family does virtually nothing for the holidays anyway?!)

Last year was a nightmare – my fiance and my mother used me as a pushmepullyou for four months straight, fighting over who got to have me, his family kept asking why I wasn’t there, etc. My mother won the war, big surprise.

I told fiance afterward that there was no way my family would be OK with me being with him until after we were married, and for me it wasn’t worth the pain of arguing for months to try to change their minds, and he said he’d leave it alone, but when fall came he clearly started up the battle again for Round 2. He is convinced that if we just beg and plead enough, my parents will suddenly be fine and dandy with sharing before marriage. Right.

I’ve started wondering, SHOULD I be fighting to spend holidays with him now, or should he be the one to back off until it’s official? – In the Middle

You adult. You decide.

I.e., you stop letting Mommy yank you around, or you not ready for marriage.

If you believe in the holiday segregation your family espouses, then espouse it. If you don’t, then either spend the holidays with your fiance’s family, or just with your fiance.

You didn’t ask me … wait did you? … not really … but when people are so clearly committed as to be engaged, I think it’s more than a little ridiculous for a family to insist they separate for holidays.

And your parenthetical doesn’t persuade me. You “have to” holiday swap? Like marriage forces you to do things to please your mate, like spend time with his family? That is so not fair. If this is about not liking holidays with his family, then speak your mind, make your choice, stand behind it.

In fact, I think I’ll revise the theory that you’re letting Mom push you around with the suspicion that you’re actively hiding behind Momma’s skirt because you’d rather spend holidays with her. Yes?

Dear Carolyn: I recently gave birth to a daughter who looks extraordinarily like me. Since then, more than a few people trying to be funny have asked my husband, “Are you sure she’s yours?”

I don’t find this funny. My usual response is to simply not respond, hoping that the ensuing lack of laughter will say all that needs to be said. But so many people seem to find it absolutely hilarious that I’m beginning to wonder if I’m just being overly sensitive and ought to let them slide a bit more. What do you think? – Somewhere, USA

B. Overly sensitive.