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The first shall be last, and the last shall be first. And the TV critics are amazed.

“It’s beyond bizarre that this year ABC and UPN are the buzz networks,” said Bill Goodykoontz of the Arizona Republic, one of more than 100 writers who gathered for the Television Critics Association summer press tour in Los Angeles.

The critics, a cantankerous and contentious bunch, are as close to consensus as they have been in years. In interview after interview, most agree that these are the new shows to watch this fall:

• “Desperate Housewives” (ABC, Sundays at 9 p.m.), a partly satirical soap opera with Teri Hatcher and Felicity Huffman whose title superbly describes the women whose secret lives are revealed.

• “Kevin Hill” (UPN, Wednesdays at 9), a surprisingly poignant drama about a swinging bachelor lawyer (Taye Diggs) who becomes an instant daddy.

• “Lost” (ABC, Wednesdays at 8), in which survivors must cope after their plane crashes on a jungle isle.

• “Veronica Mars” (UPN, Tuesdays at 9), combining Nancy Drew perkiness with ominous overtones of Elmore Leonard.

The verdict on what’s worst is even more solid. It’s CBS’ star-studded sitcom “Center of the Universe” (Wednesdays, 9:30), summarized by USA Today’s Robert Bianco: “You have John Goodman, Jean Smart, Ed Asner and Olympia Dukakis, and the best you can come up with is horny-old-man jokes using Viagra?”

Critics accused top-rated CBS of coasting, and NBC, with the biggest young-adult audience, of regressing to the bad old days with “pathetic, escapist, airhead dramas,” to quote the Detroit Free Press’ Mike Duffy.

“I’ve seen every one of (the NBC dramas) somewhere before,” said R.D. Heldenfels of the Akron (Ohio) Beacon Journal, “mostly 20 years ago.”

The critics gather every six months for a marathon of screenings, news conferences and parties where the networks trot out hundreds of stars and executives, supposedly to answer every question and, they hope, to generate a flood of ink about their new shows.

Though agreement about the good shows seems at an all-time high, it is, of course, not unanimous. And on other topics, critics are miles apart.

“Overall, I thought last fall was much better than the coming season,” said Hal Boedeker of the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel.

“This fall is better than last year,” said Melanie McFarland of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer. “That’s not really that hard. Last fall was terrible.”

Among individual series, the division seems widest on an ABC sitcom, “Complete Savages” (Fridays, 8:30). Mel Gibson is a producer.

The Dallas Morning News’ Manuel Mendoza found “Savages” — about a single father (Keith Carradine) raising five slob teen sons — at least palatable, old-fashioned comedy. Heldenfels, “pleasantly surprised,” called it his favorite new show.

Dana Gee, from the Vancouver (B.C.) Province, demurred: “Mel Gibson has gone from ‘The Passion of the Christ’ to the crucifixion of comedy.”

After the show’s actors met the press, Mendoza started to argue, “It seems like a real throwback… .”

“… To the reason why comedies are dead,” interjected The South Florida Sun-Sentinel’s Tom Jicha.

“I don’t like any sitcoms,” mourned Gail Pennington of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. “I hate them all, almost beyond describing how much I hate them all.”

As for NBC’s “Friends” spin-off, “Joey,” Duffy said: “I was surprised it wasn’t totally horrible.”

“I don’t think it’s terrible,” added Boedeker.

“It’s better than the worst thing that you’ve ever seen,” volunteered McFarland.

On the other hand, critics fret like protective mothers over beloved new series that seem destined to struggle for commercial success.

Effusive over “Housewives,” “Lost,” and, more mutedly, the “reality” show “Wife Swap,” TV Guide’s Matt Roush noted: “ABC’s whole history is littered with great shows, some of which could last three or four years, some of which could last three or four weeks. We just have to hope — all we can do is hope — that these new shows somehow find a connection with the viewers.”

Many critics were surprised that tiny UPN has strangely given birth to two bright, shining stars.

“I’m stunned that my two favorite dramas are on UPN,” Pennington said.

“If you can’t make fun of UPN, who can you make fun of?” mused Mark McGuire of the Albany (N.Y.) Times-Union.

Always the more buzz-worthy of the two littlest networks until this year, the WB got little mention in the interviews.

Some critics like the netlet’s “Jack and Bobby,” about a boy who will grow up to be president. More hate “Commando Nanny,” a sitcom based on reality-TV mega-producer Mark Burnett’s early employment experience as a Brit in America.

The most discouraging words were reserved for Fox, under fire for fixating on phony reality shows and supposedly stealing concepts from others.

“Fox is completely baffling, annoying and baffling,” Roush said. “I can’t even get my mind around the way they’re presenting and scheduling their shows.”

“They’ve always had shows that were at least interesting,” said Charlie McCollum of the San Jose Mercury News. “This year, it’s just like a mess.”

As professional viewers, the critics talk about demographics, audience share and high-definition aspect ratios. They deconstruct camera sequences and they reference series that nobody saw when they aired 40 years ago.

But in the frequent moments when the competitive guard drops and they abandon the game of impressing their colleagues, they can also be just like the average couch potato.

“I thought ‘dr. vegas’ was kind of cute,” Pennington said of the CBS series that marries medicine and Sin City.

“It’s really bad, but you know, Rob Lowe’s attractive. His hair looks good in it.”