Janet Jackson has way too much time on her hands

When I read the headlines last week, I discovered that Janet Jackson wants the world to know she has “a very active sexual mind.”

Oh, really? To be honest, my first thought was, so what? So did my dog before I had him fixed.

Why is this news? Jackson certainly isn’t the first show-biz personality (or high-ranking political figure) to make the claim.

Madonna has built a career out of having a sexual mind and having no trouble speaking it. So did Marilyn Monroe, Marlene Dietrich and Mae West. Seems to me that was Pee-wee Herman’s raison d’etre. (And interestingly, he had trouble with things falling out of his clothes, too.) It’s nothing new under the sun.

Now, with a new CD to hype, and to make sure we don’t forget her breast-baring finale at the Super Bowl five long months ago, Jackson wants us all to know it’s possible that she thinks about sex a little more than does the average person and that her alter ego, named “Strawberry,” acts on all of her wildest sexual impulses.

Like the well-endowed Jessica in “Roger Rabbit,” poor Janet is telling us, “I’m not bad; I’m just drawn that way.” She admits to the behavior and shrugs off accountability at the same time.

Technically, her raunchy half-time show wasn’t Jackson. It was just a little “Strawberry” cheesecake.

Well, since we’re sharing, Janet, here’s what I think.

We all have sexual minds, Janet. What sets us apart is the fact that we can use other parts of our brains at the same time.

Albert Einstein was a man with a healthy interest in sex, but he had enough gray matter left to dabble in a little serious work. As did Madame Curie, Thomas Jefferson, the guy who invented Tupperware, and my first-grade teacher.

You are not alone, Janet. Cavemen, who also thought about sex a lot, chucked spears at woolly mammoths, invented the wheel, and rubbed sticks and stones together to make a fire.

And every day men and women still wake up, go to work, raise families, and pay the bills with sexual thoughts pigeonholed in the corners of their minds. But the difference is that, for most of us, daily living occupies the rest.

When all you’ve got to think about is how much you think about sex, you need a wake-up call.

When all you have to think about is decorating your breasts and making sure that as many people as possible see them, and then making sure that people don’t stop talking about them for months, you’ve got too much spare time on your hands.

When you think we are interested in the fact that you think about sex, you’ve overestimated your importance in our lives.

Get out in the real world, Janet, and expand your mind.

Feed the hungry. Build a house for the homeless. Walk the dog. Read a book. Balance the checkbook. Take care of an aging parent. Watch the sunrise. Mow the lawn. Cry for a child that has lost his way. Bury the hamster.

Plan a meal. Worry about the cost of prescription medicine. Hold a baby. Lose sleep over your marriage. Paint the house. Fix the roof. Clean the bathroom.

Watch the sunset. Clean up after the cat. Pray. Bake and eat a batch of chocolate chip cookies.

In other words, Miss Jackson, get a life. That, with a little dignity and self-respect, is what keeps the rest of us from dancing around wearing nothing but our wristwatches. A real life helps you keep things in perspective.

Come back in a year and tell us that you have an active sexual mind, but you’re worried about the war in Iraq.

Tell us that your work with inner city children and Amnesty International stretches you too thin.

Tell us you’ve been thinking about something your grandmother used to say, and about how short life really is.

Now, that will be news.