Mom: Case ‘spun out of control’

BOISE – Shawn Weingartner knows some people think she’s a bigot.

There have been hate calls to her house, a store that refused to serve her and Web sites that call her an unfit mother – not to mention national news media that have characterized her as anti-gay.

Weingartner is the mother in a highly publicized child-custody case that was settled in her favor by the Idaho Supreme Court last month.

The Idaho Falls woman has declined to talk to the media since her gay ex-husband, Theron McGriff, sued her for custody of their two daughters four years ago.

Last week, she granted an interview to the Idaho Statesman.

“Personally, I don’t like the way I was publicly defined,” said Weingartner, a soft-spoken 38-year-old contract negotiator for the city of Idaho Falls. “I felt I was being portrayed as a bigot. It is important to me to take this one opportunity to convey my own thoughts.”

Homosexuality was not at the root of Weingartner’s publicized custody battle, she said.

‘Admittedly ugly dispute’

She characterized the case that reached the state’s highest court as an admittedly ugly dispute between a divorced couple that “spun dangerously out of control.”

“My kids love their dad and he is a gay man,” Weingartner said.

Weingartner won the case brought to the state’s Supreme Court by her ex-husband, but she said it’s a bittersweet victory.

The court ruling affirmed she will continue to have sole legal and physical custody of their 10- and 13-year-old daughters.

McGriff is only allowed to have visitation of his daughters if his partner is not living in his home.

McGriff’s partner had moved out immediately after the original court ruling.

The court had asserted that hostility and a refusal to communicate or cooperate were the reasons behind the decision, not sexual orientation.

“The court got it exactly right,” Weingartner said. “I’ve never said that since Theron McGriff is a gay man, he shouldn’t have custody of his kids. He’s made bad choices. I never said he made those bad choices because he’s a gay man.”

Weingartner said that despite winning, the case ultimately has shattered her life, turned her into a recluse, and she and her daughters continue with counseling to cope with the turmoil.

“Some days, I feel we all were living proof of the phrase ‘irreparable harm,’ ” she said, shaking her head and laughing sadly.

She said she had declined all media interviews because she didn’t want her children’s lives exposed publicly and didn’t want hostilities escalated further by arguing her case to reporters.

“People who barely know me, people who don’t know me, are passing judgment,” said Weingartner. “Every aspect of our lives has been scrutinized and raked over the coals.”

Divorced since 1997

Shawn and Theron have been divorced since 1997. Problems with joint custody didn’t arise until Weingartner found out in 2000 that her ex-husband was gay.

The events that occurred after that are what propelled this case into the state’s highest court.

How, then, can Weingartner claim her case wasn’t about sexual orientation?

“Theron being gay – that was just an issue this situation came to a head over,” she said.

Weingartner explains that communication between the two already was strained when she began fielding questions from friends and acquaintances about whether her former husband was gay.

At first, she didn’t think it was true.

“It’s just not something you look for,” she said. “I got a lot of questions from people afterwards: Did I have any indication? Did I know? You wonder how long somebody has worked at that level of deception. Maybe I should have known, but didn’t see it.”

Then a parent of one of her children’s friends asked about the nature of the relationship McGriff had with a new roommate.

“Then other children started questioning my children and that caused me concern,” she said. “So I asked him, ‘Is this your homosexual partner?’ and he said yes, he was.”

Weingartner said she insisted that she and her husband, Brooks Weingartner, along with Theron and his partner, meet with a counselor together to explain McGriff’s homosexuality to their daughters.

“He made one visit to the counselor and then went to an attorney,” she said, adding that the couple have not spoken since.

Weingartner sought a change in custody based on McGriff’s refusal to cooperate, and McGriff countersued for full custody.

Hostilities increased from there; and when McGriff’s partner made what Weingartner described as harassing calls to her workplace, she complained to the court.

That led the court to rule that McGriff’s live-in partner created an environment that could lead to an “alienation of affection” of the children to their mother.

The magistrate court judge said McGriff could only have visitation of his children if his partner moved out.

McGriff appealed that ruling to the Idaho Supreme Court.

Publicity frenzy began

At that point, the media descended and the case became public.

Gay rights groups offered legal assistance and support to McGriff. TV cameras showed up in their children’s classrooms.

A reporter showed up on Weingartner’s front lawn. She got phone calls from strangers who called her names.

“I canceled my phone for a period of time. I’ve changed my e-mail address five times,” said Weingartner. “The minute this became a public issue, the minute special interest groups became involved, this thing spun dangerously out of control.”

People found it easy to believe someone living in a small Idaho community would discriminate against gays, and that added steam to the case, said Weingartner family friend Bob Creed.

“Oprah did something on the case, so did the New York Times – it was sort of ‘look at these hicks and look at how homophobic they are,’ ” said Creed, who was a neighbor and a close friend of the McGriffs when they were married, and who now works and golfs with Brooks Weingartner.

“There is a homophobic element to this community, but that’s not what this case was about,” Creed said. “It was Theron’s response to being homosexual that was the problem. The sad and tragic part is a lot of people who have formed opinions haven’t read the documents in the case.”

Visitation agreement

While Weingartner has sole legal and physical custody, McGriff spends a great deal of time with his daughters under a visitation agreement.

His visitation rights allow him to have his daughters from Thursday to Monday morning every other week; one evening each week after school until bedtime; alternating holidays and school breaks; and two weeks each month during June, July and August.

But Weingartner says she doubts she and McGriff will ever be able to sit in a room and discuss how to raise their children because the hostilities have escalated so much.

Weingartner said she thinks they’ll need to continue using a mediator, appointed through the courts, to settle differences.

An appointed mediator is currently working to resolve a dispute over the scheduling of the girls’ extracurricular activities.

She says she and McGriff will have to continue working through difficulties in raising their daughters, regardless of how the courts rule or what public opinion says.

Weingartner knows her daughters will have to grow up and live in a community where friends and strangers know personal details of their lives.

“Children don’t want parents to have conflicts, and they don’t want those conflicts on the lips and minds of people they meet,” she said. “It saddles them with situations they can’t handle. They’re kids.

“I don’t think any child wants to be in a position where they have to choose between their parents. We’ve had many conversations on the subject that they should never feel they have to choose. They can love both parents.”