The new fair: political ears, spectator beers
With Spokane County Interstate Fair attendance deader than Rick James’ sex life, I asked readers for answers on how to pump air back into this impotent institution.
And like hurricane season in Florida, the brainstorms came whooshing in.
Some brainstorms, alas, were better left out to sea.
“I was thinking about maybe carving out one of them giant pumpkins and seeing how many college students can fit in one,” said a woman in a voice mail message. (Note to caller: The warning label on the Prozac bottle says, “NOT to be taken with alcohol.”)
Fortunately, there were enough clear-headed contributions to declare three blue-ribbon winners in my fair makeover contest.
As promised, each winner will receive a cheesy stuffed animal similar to what you might win on the midway if all the games weren’t as crooked as a New Jersey union.
The talking mice dolls I’ll be mailing out came from the sale table at Boo Radley’s. Customers apparently weren’t interested, which, come to think of it, sounds a lot like our fair. So the Boo’s clerk was thrilled to sell me all 11 of them for a buck each.
Score! This not only satisfies my contest needs, but pretty much my Christmas shopping list, too.
Now for the winners:
Grand Champion: Jim Cranford
No more hayseed exhibitions and corny critter-based “See Ewe There” slogans if Cranford has his way. The Spokane man envisions a county fair with French-fried sophistication. “Hang onto your chaise lounge, monsieur, because next year you and I and the rest of the fair-minded world could be reveling at the Festival at SpoCannes!”
Cranford’s blueprint for his renamed and reformatted fair was slightly smaller than the 9/11 commission report. Space limitations and good judgment, however, prevent us from airing this explosion of verbal diarrhea in its entirety.
Some SpoCannes highlights worth noting are:
“It’s a Schmaltzy World After All” – a grand hall dedicated to all things sappy (and highly marketable).
“Republican ears” – like traditional elephant ears only with red, white and blue stripes and GOP logo.
“Porndogs” – suggestively shaped wieners sold in a brown plain wrapper.
Porndogs? Cranford, you are one sick puppy.
First Runner-Up: Darrell Rosencranz
This man won’t waste any gray matter remaking the fair. But his proposal is entertaining enough to deserve a prize.
Rosencranz describes the fair as a mismanaged lost cause. So let’s dump it on the new Valley city “and let those geniuses run it.”
The way the Spokane Valley resident tells it, one loser deserves another. “Remember that sheep they cloned years ago named Dolly?” he asks. “She’s the one running the fair.”
Shame on ewe, Darrell. What a ba-a-a-d thing to say about fair manager Dolly Hughes. “I better watch what I say,” he agrees. “Next winter I don’t want ‘em doing a drive-by on me, with a snowplow attached.”
Second Runner-Up: Joe Kramarz
Like most problems in life, the fair’s salvation lies in beer. Such is the foamy message of this former Detroit resident who now lives in Spokane.
“I have entered in the home brew contest for the last several years and have won some ribbons,” Kramarz writes. “I have been frustrated for the lack of respect we get in our culinary art.”
The judging of do-it-yourself beer apparently takes place behind screens and away from the public eye. Kramarz sees this as a blown opportunity.
So let’s bring the beer judging out of the closet and turn it into an exciting spectator event.
The judging panel, he says, would be made up of experts, namely local politicians. They would post their scores on electronic reader boards similar to those used in figure skating competitions. “The fun will begin as they sample bottle after bottle after bottle,” notes Kramarz.
Oh, and one more thing. “In case of a tie, Steve Eugster could make the decision. He wants to be a judge, so let him. It will be the only post he will get elected to.”