Nobody gets away unscathed

This is the kind of night it was: A Republican operative performed a rap song titled “I Like Big Cuts”; Yasser Arafat crooned “You Don’t Send Me Flowers” to Ariel Sharon; and “Sunni” and Cher performed a duet containing the line, “You don’t know Shinola from Shiite.”

Clearly, it was another visit from the Capitol Steps.

This was the D.C.,-based satirical troupe’s third visit in three years, and it seemed sharper and funnier than the previous two. The crowd, which filled at least three quarters of the Opera House, was often in hysterics.

And why not? This year, the Steps had better material to work with.

While they sometimes reached as far back as Bill and Hillary, they made most of their hay with George W. Bush and John Kerry.

Here are just a few of the targets of this five-person cast:

Bush: “I’ve been trying to figure out what’s wrong with the French. I finally figured out, those folks just don’t have a word for entrepreneur.”

Kerry: (to the tune of “Both Sides Now”) “I’m taking stands on both sides now … I’ve only made one sure decision. On election day, I’ll vote for me.”

Bush: “You can vote for John Kerry, the challenger. Or you can vote for me, the challenged.”

Kerry: (to the the tune of “O Sole Mio” as sung by Pavarotti) “When I saw Kerry, his head so scary, like Herman Munster, but more hairy.”

Prescription drug ads: “Do you have low interest in the campaigns this year? You may be suffering from gonorrhea-lection. Try Votagra. You’ll be back in the booth in no time. And your chad won’t be dangling. Call your doctor if you experience elections lasting more than 72 hours. This offer not good in Florida.”

John Edwards: (to the tune of “I Feel Pretty”) “I’m so pretty, so very pretty … I’m so skinny, that’s from chasing every ambulance.”

Condoleeza Rice: (to the tune of “Mona Lisa”) “I know it’s wacky, but the Iraqis, got our oil stuck beneath their sand.”

The French: “How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? I don’t know. It’s never been done.”

The new Iraqi government: (a character who steps on stage, flinching at every sound) “I’m the new minister of tourism. My job is to bring more American tourists to Iraq. We’re going to change our old slogan: Death to the Great Satan. We’re going with something a little lighter now: Come to Iraq and Declare a Jihad on Boredom!”

And then, in trademark Capitol Steps style, he broke into a song.

“Life would be so sweet,” he sang, “on the Sunni side of Tikrit.”

Not a bad tune to whistle on the way to the voting booth.