If bigger is better, let’s get it going

Now that we have been a “free” city for almost two years, no longer living in fear of annexation by the likes of Spokane, Valley citizens can be heard crying out for an identity of their own. You can’t hear it from every street corner yet, but you soon will, you can bet on it. I know my friend Casey talks about it all the time; but she’s a cat and “meow” might really mean “feed me.”

There are at least three ways to garner an identity: accomplishment, notoriety and advertising. The worst thing about accomplishment is it takes time, effort and money, and notoriety is a word many young people either don’t know how to spell or can’t define, so that leaves us with advertising.

Any PR hack will tell you that advertising is the cheapest and fastest way to “build a brand” and boy howdy, do we ever need to do that, pronto.

With advertising, all we need to do is design a logo, coin a catchy slogan, shoot a few flesh-and-brew based commercials and then buy air time during major sporting events such as the Super Bowl or the next presidential debates.

Then we just sit back and watch those tourist dollars pour in like the Great Flood.

The best part about the advertising approach is we don’t have to change a thing, we simply spin our cotton into cotton candy and turn straw into gold.

Let’s kick this idea off, shall we? In the spirit of volunteerism, I’ve written a few sample slogans for that nonbusiness, no-family-members-allowed, citizens advisory group the City Council is sure to pick as it studies all its options:

“Stack ‘em steep and price ‘em cheap: World’s largest collection of pawn and thrift shops”;

“Don’t just pass gas, break glass! Loudest car stereos in the Northwest”;

“Land of a thousand garage sales.”

Got the idea? Our little city is chock full of opportunities such as these. Here’s my favorite: “Twice Times Square: Home of the world’s largest outdoor signs.”

It’s a slogan that should be easy to live up to now that the impartial and blue-ribbon sign committee has recommended Valley signage should be bigger than Texas. Check out this irrefutable logic from one of the committee members: “When you’ve already got a tight economic situation here, do you want to curtail business or do you want to help get them going?”

Yeah, baby! Let’s get it going.

The committee’s thorough and in-depth research also uncovered a fact more startling than revelations about either presidential candidate’s military service: Bellevue is no more attractive than our very own Spokane Valley!

Can’t you just see it – dozens and dozens of colorful, animated, illuminated, computer-controlled, Internet-enabled, energy-efficient, tastefully done signs towering 60 feet or more into the air, artfully placed throughout the city end-to-end and curb-to-curb?

No one would ever get lost again on the couplet; everyone, rich and poor alike, would know about the latest one-day sale, even if they lived in the basement of the Paris Opera.

At night, we’d become a life-saving beacon for lost airplanes; dark alleys would become safe again. Thousands would flock to our little valley to marvel at the awesome sight.

But wait, there’s more!

One of the sign committee members asked “How could you have a monument sign when it snows so much?” How could you, indeed? Take heart, business owners! Once the City Council enacts the necessary ordinances, you’ll be able to replace those puny, tombstone-like monuments with a sign only a glacier could cover up.

So what’ll it be, gentle readers? Business as usual or sky’s the limit, no-holds-barred outdoor signs?

We reap only benefits. We get an identity so real you can practically smell it, without an increase in sales taxes, property taxes or B&O taxes. Valley businesses get the weapon they need to end their economic doldrums, and lots of people get employed to plant and maintain signs of gigantic proportions.

Sounds like a win-win situation to me, so what are we waiting for? No amount of common sense can hold a candle to an idea like this.

Economic prosperity, here we come!