Hagadone’s plan doesn’t go far enough

Ba-zillionaire Duane Hagadone hurt my feelings.

He did it last week while attempting to hypnotize a gathering of Lake City business lemmings into agreeing with his plan to close off two blocks in the heart of Coeur d’Alene.

“Keep your eyes on the solid gold Rolex. Listen to the soothing sound of my voice. You are getting sleepy. Verrrrry sleeeeepy. Now everyone stand on one leg and cluck like chickens …”

Once the downtown streets are sealed, Hagadone will transform the space into a massive expansion of the North Idaho Food Bank and low-income housing for service industry workers.

NOT!

I’m just messin’ with you.

Hagadone aims to build more of his Coeur d’Alene Resort – in the form of another tower – and use the two closed blocks for a grand botanical garden.

With heated walkways, visitors will be able to leisurely marvel at some of North Idaho’s precious flora, such as the red Duanium, the Egodumbdrum and the invasive Hagweed.

But during his sales pitch, the developer and media mogul was quoted by a Spokesman-Review reporter as saying that he couldn’t fathom anyone rejecting his idea other than “the anti-Hagadone people and the Spokane paper,” which bad-mouth anything he comes up with.

Ouch!

“I can see the headlines now,” he continued, “Hagadone the land grabber. He wants Sherman Avenue. Next year he will want the lake.”

Double ouch!

True, he could have been carping about the Inlander. And if that’s the case then I apologize.

But I don’t think so. I think Hagadone was pointing his bony finger at certain career smart alecks who work right here at The Spokesman.

Well, sir, I can’t speak for those other jerks. But you have grossly misjudged this one – who, if you recall, used to work for you.

Not only am I sold on your scheme, but as they say in the surf world, “I’m so on board my toes are hanging 11.”

During his presentation, Hagadone unveiled his five-point plan designed to gently persuade the audience to see things through his eyes:

Step One – Better let me do this.

Step Two – Best be quick about it.

Step Three – Or else I’ll take my $20 million and build that tower in Spokane.

Step Four – Then you losers will be sorry. Cuz you’ll get nothing. NOTHING!

Step Five – Did I mention I have a really, really big yacht?

Coeur d’Alene isn’t perfect. There are probably still a few independent thinkers who haven’t yet been run out of town.

They will view Hagadone’s “either/or” approach as transparent economic extortion, I suppose.

Well, you show me an independent thinker. I’ll show you someone who just isn’t getting a big enough piece of the action.

Besides, this tactic of the implied threat has been used by many successful business leaders. Tony Soprano and Don Corleone, to name a couple.

My only complaint is that Hagadone’s plan is simply not grand enough. Perhaps at 72, the developer is merely trying to get in one last bit of damage before it’s too late.

But it’s time Hagadone went the extra square miles.

Sure, he may say he doesn’t want it. But let’s give it to him anyway: the land, Sherman Avenue and the lake.

Then rename it Deweyland. Or Coeur d’Uane.

Why not? With his floating green, world class hotel and great restaurants, he’s the one who’s turned Coeur d’Alene into the global destination that it is.

I realize I’m blasting myself in the foot. Lord knows Spokane could benefit from his business.

But as much as I’d love to see him come to Spokane and add clutter to our skyline, I truly believe in my heart that this big ol’ catfish belongs in that small pond 35 miles to the east.

Shut down two blocks for a botanical garden? Hell, let’s cover the entire downtown Coeur d’Alene business core with Plexiglas.

You’ve heard of the Biosphere?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Duane B. Haga-Dome.