Losers transform walking into hazardous duty

Today I call upon every citizen with a social conscience and a tripwire to join the urban war against SLOBs.

That’s short for – “Sidewalk Losers On Bikes.”

It’s time we the people made a kickstand against these two-wheeled terrorists, who have turned the sidewalks of Spokane into an obstacle course.

A pedestrian has better life expectancy strolling through Baghdad than meandering through the treacherous downtown walkways of the Lilac City.

You don’t dare window shop in this burg anymore.

Take a step backward to admire what that Nordstrom mannequin is wearing and – “wham!”

You’re gone with the Schwinn.

How can Spokane call itself an All-American City when our sidewalks look like the Tour de France?

I’m telling you, folks, we’re in a cycle crisis here.

It’s getting so two co-workers can’t walk back to the newspaper from the Boo Radley’s store without nearly getting laid out by a boob on a BMX.

That’s what happened Friday.

I was strolling south on the Howard Street sidewalk with my pal, Molly, when this shirtless dude on a black bicycle whooshed between us like he was Harrison Ford navigating the Millennium Falcon through an asteroid belt.

“Get off the sidewalk!” yelled Molly, secure in the knowledge that if Dudley Dumbass came back I’d be the one who’d have to fight him.

Fortunately for me, the fool ignored her and kept pedaling.

Later that same day, I walked from the newspaper to River Park Square to meet my wife. A skinny guy on a bicycle almost took me out on the corner of Riverside and Post.

This problem has been around awhile. Some years back one of my other co-workers was actually hit by a SLOB and seriously injured.

The cops obviously aren’t doing anything about this. They’re too busy setting up stings to catch drivers who won’t stop for people in crosswalks.

Passing more laws won’t do any good.

You think SLOBs care about laws? I have yet to see one obeying the helmet law.

There’s only one law that will grab the attention of these misfits:

The Law of Gravity.

That’s where the tripwires come in.

With a little organization and some lengths of steel cable, we can put an end to this menace in a week.

Here’s my modest proposal. I want to station anti-SLOB vigilantes at a number of strategic locations throughout the downtown business core.

One end of the cable will go to a person lurking in a doorway. The other end will be discreetly looped around a parking meter.

After that it’s pretty much like fishing.

You wait until a SLOB comes rolling along. Then give one hard yank at the precise moment.

One down; 569 to go.

And good riddance.

These SLOBs have perverted the fine traditions of two-wheel transport.

When I was little and learning to ride a bike, I couldn’t wait to shed those training wheels and GET OFF THE SIDEWALK.

Getting the OK from your parents to finally roll in the street is one of those momentous rites of passage.

It means you’re growing up. It means you can be trusted.

So what happened to the SLOBs?

Are these big babies afraid to ride in traffic? Are they too lazy?

Most of them look like they just got out of lock-up.

Have you noticed? The typical SLOB is a scruffy-looking adult male with bad tattoos.

I know. I’m profiling. But you can’t deny it. These Sidewalk Losers On Bikes all have the same predatory, shifty look. Like they’re all on the prowl for a purse to snatch.

It doesn’t matter who they are. The sidewalks must be returned to the citizenry.

So let the war begin.

And don’t fear. If tripwires don’t do the trick, I have a Plan B.

Thumbtacks.