How to deal with mean colleagues
If an e-mail can shake with fury, this one did. My 22-year-old son, Jeff, was mystified and angry when he sent me a copy of an article from the Sports Illustrated Web site, SI.com.
The story said a T-ball coach from Pennsylvania has been accused of paying $25 to a team member to intentionally hurt a mentally handicapped player on the team so the coach would not have to comply with rules requiring him to play the handicapped child in a game. The story reported police said the boy was hit in the head and in the groin with a baseball just before a game and didn’t play. Police added the coach was “very competitive” and “he wanted to win.”
Jeff’s brother is also mentally handicapped, so he is not without sentiment in the matter. As I read his note it was obvious the sheer meanness of the alleged act deeply perplexed and upset him. Such behavior outrages most of us, and we search for answers to explain how anybody could be so callous and mean just to win a T-ball game.
Yet, indescribable meanness is an ever-present part of our world and our workplaces. I find it the most bedeviling problem I confront in e-mails and in private complaints. No matter how much we may dream of ethical and value-laden workplaces there are leaders, supervisors and employees who behave in ways that can only be labeled as “rotten.”
Many of us want to believe the best about others. We try to hold out hope that if we can handle the situation properly, while showing respect and understanding, we can convert even the most incorrigible person to decent behavior. Those efforts should always be our first instinct. Sadly, it is not always effective.
That leads some people to cynicism and hopelessness. Those folks start to assume that the world is full of scoundrels, and they build defenses and organizational systems that assume everybody is a rat. It’s human nature that when we’re treated like rats we start to behave like rats, so that approach is not the answer, either.
I don’t have easy answers for dealing with really bad people, but consider these ideas:
“There may be more to the story. It’s hard to imagine in this case, but there may be a misunderstanding of some sort. And, in your workplace you often hear exaggerated claims of what a rotten thing Jack or Mabel did. Check it out. Don’t assume somebody is a mean-spirited fool based on rumor.
“ Give one “mulligan.” We’ve all made mistakes and have yearned for a second chance. Perhaps this behavior is completely out of character. Don’t brand somebody as indescribably mean until you see a pattern.
“ Hate the act and love the person. Yes, I know that’s difficult. But I know people who have found a way to forgive a rapist who attacked members of their family. If they can forgive there has to be a way we can forgive meanness at work. Forgiveness is a crucial part of family life and it needs to be a part of the workplace. Your forgiveness could unlock the demons that cause the meanness.
“Steer clear. If you decide none of the above applies and the person is indeed an incorrigible rat, stay far away. Do not associate with the person. Do not pretend to be nice. Simply walk away. If you try to make friends with such a person you are bound to get hurt, or worse, people will assume you tolerate the meanness.
“ Inform leadership or human resources about the behavior. If you don’t report him, who will? It takes courage to confront meanness and it takes concerned fury like my son’s. We set our social norms and if we tolerate the sort of meanness inflicted on that handicapped boy we are buying into a society and workplace we don’t want.