City financial pinch calls out for innovative solutions

I have returned from vacation and not a moment too soon.

In my absence, my beloved hometown has lapsed into a fiscal crisis not seen since the Great Depression when, according to my late father, Americans were so down and out they had to engage in cannibalism for a little meat to go with the welfare cheese.

The city of Spokane is so short of funds that Deputy Mayor Jack Lynch was spotted fishing coins out of the STA Plaza fountain.

Speaking of water, there’s barely enough money to keep the city pools open. Can you believe it? For the first time in Spokane history, Parks Department administrators are actually encouraging young swimmers to “pee freely to help keep the pools filled – and warm.”

Of course, Mayor Jim West has hatched this scheme to sell Joe Albi Stadium to developers.

Our mayor is one shrewd right-bi guy.

Call me a cynic, but I don’t think the threat to sell Albi is about raising a few bucks. I suspect West really hopes the idea is monumentally repugnant enough to make everyone forget about his alternative lifestyle as Internet sex troller.

The controversy over the mayor’s dark cyber dabblings has led to more sudden city staff departures than at a nursing home during a smallpox epidemic.

THIS JUST IN: Spokane Public Schools may not purchase the new Washington state history textbooks. The Spokane section comes with a centerfold of the mayor posing on a bearskin rug.

Getting back to today’s topic of grim economic news, no city agency has felt the budget ax more than the Spokane Police Department.

The SPD budget is so lean that officers are being issued day-old doughnuts.

The SPD is so short of equipment that officers are using yellow Lance Armstrong bracelets to handcuff suspects.

The SPD is so short of manpower that cop-assisted suicides must now be booked two weeks in advance!

So what can concerned Spokanites do to turn things around?

After consulting with some of the area’s leading economists, I have put together a few sure-fire ways to get the Lilac City back in the black.

Project Adopt-a-Pothole. For an annual $50 fee, citizens will be issued a personal pothole that will be registered in the City Hall lobby on a commemorative plaque. Each pothole patron will be given a small shovel and instructions on how to keep their pothole gaping for maximum tire-busting potential.

Swim With the Mayor Day. Help save Spokane pools by coming out for a weekly water frolic with Mayor West. Admission is $5. (Twenty bucks if you want the mayor to wear trunks.)

South Hill Snob Tax. Everybody hates the rich, as the Democrats love to tell us. So let’s get even and make the city some extra loot by applying a mean-spirited and completely arbitrary $5-a-square-foot surcharge for homeowners on Spokane’s affluent South Hill. (Tax automatically doubled for Rockwood Boulevard residents.)

Corporate Sponsorships. An article in last Sunday’s newspaper told of a local woman who was trying to sell advertising space on her false teeth. Let’s follow her lead and exploit the marketing potential of some of our prominent landmarks.

For the right price the Spokane River’s scenic Bowl and Pitcher could become The Tidy Bowl and Pitcher.

Or even better: the Riverfront Park Clocktower – brought to you by Viagra.

Porn Night at the IMAX. Special showings of that new Willy Wonka remake have been packing Riverfront Park’s IMAX Theatre. Imagine the box office bonanza if one night a week the humongo-size IMAX screen were given over to XXX adults-only movies.

To avoid confusion the IMAX will have to be renamed on Porn Night.

Hey, I know. We can call it – the Climax.

It’s so good to be back.