Mayor Doug in Millwood? Doesn’t stink

Before the rumors hit the Mark Fuhrman show and get all blown out of proportion, let me make an official announcement:

I am tossing my trailer-logo ball cap into the ring as a candidate for mayor of Millwood.

Yes, Millwood – that quaint square mile of Valley real estate north of the Argonne and Trent train tracks.

This must seem like a real career killer for a big wheel like me. But after reading the latest troubling account of the Millwood mayor’s race, I realized …

Millwood needs me.

Plus, I can use Millwood as my launch pad to the Spokane mayor’s office. (If we can ever get rid of that skunk Jim West.)

I even came up with this great campaign slogan: Mayor Doug – Puttin’ the “Wood” back in Millwood.

I’m ready for vipers who will try to derail my campaign by dwelling on negatives. Like the fact I don’t live in Millwood.

“If you need it, I’ll get a mailbox and put it in here and put ‘Doug’ on it,” promised Eva Colomb, Millwood’s clerk and treasurer when I dropped in on Town Hall Friday to tell her the good news. If the mailbox idea doesn’t fly, I’m willing to do the right thing and fork over some hush money to sweep this ruckus under the ol’ rug.

Speaking of old rugs, the brown Millwood Town Hall carpet looks like a reject from a homeless shelter. Replacing it will be my first act as I lead Millwood’s 1,700 residents across my “Bridge to the 20th Century.”

Unfortunately, my name won’t be on the ballot due to a stupid technicality. I never filled out any applications to run.

But if I can get a few hundred voters to write in “Doug” in November I’ll be Livin’ La Vida Millwood!

And what better choice does Millwood have?

Consider the two other candidates:

In Robert Paul Mankin, 64, we have a retired boilermaker who served three years of probation after pleading guilty to attempted indecent liberties with his daughter in 1982. Town Hall officials describe Mankin as a Class A troublemaker. His harassment is the reason a security glass window was installed at the customer service window, they say.

This guy’s a voter’s nightmare even by Jim West standards.

My other opponent is a 48-year-old biologist and six-term Millwood councilman. He appears to be a fine man, the perfect choice for mayor were it not for one disqualifying detail.

His name is Dan Mork.

Go ahead. Try to say “Millwood Mayor Mork” without laughing.

Can’t be done.

You elect this guy, and I’ll wager a sawbuck some Robin Williams fan will interrupt a council meeting by twisting his ears and hollering:

“Na no, na no, Mayor Mork!”

Is a slapstick “Mork & Mindy” routine the image Millwood wants to convey to the rest of the world – not to mention planet Ork?

During my visit Friday, I learned that the Millwood mayor’s office doesn’t have a computer.

That sure would have kept West out of a lot of trouble.

The job, however, does come with a black housecat named Mr. Lucky. “He’s a deputy of Public Works in charge of extermination,” clerk Colomb explained.

I’m going to be mayor of Mayberry.

So far, my biggest challenge has been finding actual voters to schmooze. After leaving Town Hall I burned up a good hour walking into shops on Millwood’s busy main drag.

“I guess I didn’t know Millwood had a mayor,” said J. Prior of Custom Strings, a violin shop.

I quickly discovered what the problem is. Practically every business I wandered into was being staffed or run by people who don’t live in Millwood. Like when I went into the Millwood Barber Shop. Mac Ward, the barber who owns it, told me he lives in Hillyard.

Imagine. A bunch of outsiders trying to take over MY town.

Some people have all the nerve.