Cheeky move may paper over TP crisis

Spokane’s image has again been smeared.

Is there some great Cosmic Comedian up there who has decided that being famous for having a mayor caught trolling the Internet for teen/man love isn’t a shameful enough burden for the Lilac City to bear?

Apparently not.

We have now been made the butt of a gigantic joke thanks to a city councilman whose squabble with health officials was partly over – get this – his refusal to stock toilet paper in the restrooms of his Hillyard saloon and eatery.

Anyone who got caught short in Bob Apple’s Comet would have had to first ask the bartender for a loaner roll to cart to the john, revealed a news story Saturday.

Has the cost of doing your business ever run so high?

Having to check out toilet paper from a barkeep like a library book is degrading – even by Hillyard standards.

But such a potty protocol could also create a lot of confusion when ordering a beer. For example: Say “gimme a Heinie” at the Comet and you just might actually end up with something for your heinie.

I gotta be honest. If I suddenly came down with a dread case of the Comet Three Step and had to waste precious time begging a bartender for TP, well, adios amigos.

I’m sprinting for the nearest alley.

Councilman Apple has attributed his toilet paper tightwad status to what he described as “continuous thefts of toilet paper products” by customers of his Market and Queen establishment.

There’s a raving endorsement of Comet clientele.

Well, I’m not going to take Apple’s toilet paper pilfering problems sitting down. Sure, I can waste a lot of column space debating the councilman’s health department beefs all the do-dong day.

But I’m a problem solver. I’m a peacemaker. When it comes to toilet paper, I’m a man of the cloth.

Wipe those grins off your faces. I’m being sincere.

I want this tissue issue to flush away. I don’t want Jay Leno to again swat Spokane around during his monologue like he did when the Mayor Jim West bi-jinks scandal first broke.

Besides, I know Councilman Bob. He isn’t a bad Apple. He’s just a man who has taken commode conservation to a place that the average sane person would never, ever go.

And so on Monday morning I took action. I went to the Costco wholesale warehouse mega-market on Sprague. I paid $17.99-plus tax for a bundle of Marathon embossed bathroom tissue.

We’re talking 45 rolls of two-ply. Five hundred sheets per roll.

That’s 45,000 total single-ply squares – enough quality wipeage to handle a Comet crowd even on chili dog night.

I then attached a patriotic red, white and blue ribbon to my gift and picked out a card of encouragement at a card shop. The sweet verse nearly made me weep:

“If you have a problem,

“That bothers you inside.

“And time does little to assure you,

“That it will subside …”

I signed the inside of the card with a message to Councilman Bob hoping everything comes out all right in the end. I lugged my toilet paper prize pack up to the sixth floor at City Hall and left it on his desk.

The security guard in the City Hall lobby was so overcome with laughter by the sight of me that, for a brief moment, I thought she might need a roll just in case. Fortunately, she recovered enough to give me a high five.

One side note: As humiliating as it may be to have to ask a bartender for TP, try walking two blocks through the middle of a crowded downtown while holding a heavy clear plastic bundle of the stuff.

I’m sure I’ve experienced greater self-abuse during my career. At the moment I just can’t remember when.

But I feel greatly relieved having performed my civic doody. And so I’d like to close today’s column on a spiritual high.

Please lift your voices as we sing that old gospel standard …”

“When the roll is called up yonder – I’ll be there!”