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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Park caper easily robed in defenses

Doug Clark The Spokesman-Review

What’s happened to trust in this city?

It’s getting so a distinguished member of America’s legal community can’t drop trousers in a Spokane park and give himself an innocent dermatological exam without a bunch of cynics thinking the worst.

I lay the blame for our climate of civic distrust on the shame-resistant shoulders of Mayor Jim West. Revelations of the mayor’s attempts to date teenage boy toys and his confessions of cyber sex sessions have made many of us suspicious when it comes to our government officials.

The events as told in a Sunday Spokesman-Review article offer a classic example of what I’m talking about.

A husband and wife were jogging through Riverfront Park last month when they came upon a seated man who appeared to be behaving in a highly suggestive manner. The witnesses say the man’s back was toward them but they could see enough to know that his pants were askew – to say the least.

Furthermore, they claim the man was staring into a cell phone in his left hand while moving his right arm in a matter that could be interpreted as A) yanking the starter rope on a gas lawn mower or B) performing an act of self-gratification.

Honestly. What is going on around here lately? Has somebody slipped something into the water supply?

At any rate, the couple decided on option B, and the cops were summoned.

Authorities eventually discovered that their person of interest was a federal judge in town for a conference.

Columnist’s aside: Because there is no hard evidence that any crime was committed, the editors have decided not to reveal the judge’s identity. However, let me assure fearful Republicans that despite the sexually weird aspects of this caper the suspect was surprisingly not U.S. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas.

But here’s where things get curious. When questioned by investigators, the judge said he was merely examining an upper thigh mole.

So that’s what they’re calling it these days.

Sorry. It’s easy to crack jokes. But for the love of Pee-wee Herman – checking a mole?

I don’t want to be numbered among our Lilac City cynics. I want to believe in the flag, apple pie and our leaders. I don’t want to go away thinking that one of the nation’s upstanding federal judges is just another upstanding Riverfront Park perv.

I’ve tried to envision a social scenario where I would choose a public venue to inspect my lower parts for unusual growths. But I just can’t.

Really – not even at Hooters.

If Mole Man wants to sell his case, he’s going to have to come up with more credible ways to explain away his alleged jurist imprudence. Fortunately, I have researched case law with my crack legal Dream Team. We have put together some sure-fire closing arguments should this judge ever get caught with his robes a’flapping:

“Motion denied! Motion denied!

“It’s not what you think. I was handing down an important decision.

“Thank God you officers showed up to help. I seem to have misplaced my gavel.

“Another ruling from the bench – the park bench.

“Sex? Don’t be ridiculous. I was merely rearranging my legal briefs.

“And that, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, is how you conduct a search warrant – on yourself.

“It’s all part of my pro bono work.

“Justice is not only blind – it can make you go blind.

“Guess that’s why they call me the hangin’ judge.

“All rise for the Long Arm of the Law.

“I’ve always been a firm believer in the Federal Release Program.

“I’m out of order? – You’re out of order, this whole park is out of order!

“I have a dinner date with your mayor and he wants me at my best.

“Here come da judge! Here come da judge!