Valley Values just need a little push
In the latest attempt to justify their shaky existence, Spokane Valley officials met Tuesday to fabricate a set of civic values that can be misinterpreted for decades to come.
Only 10 citizens showed up to watch, according to a newspaper story. While disappointing, this could mean that avoiding tedious governmental blather is already a Spokane Valley value.
The lack of witnesses, however, didn’t hinder this collaborative brain cramp between the City Council and Planning Commission.
Of course, manufacturing a list of values that sounds good and doesn’t offend anyone is only half the challenge. The difficult task is to turn those platitudes into tangible, working ideas that can be used to raise taxes and ream the populace in new and creative ways.
As always, I’m here to help. After virtual minutes of brainstorming, I was able to come up with a few ways that the new Spokane Valley Values (listed below in bold) can be put into motion:
Preserve the city’s existing natural areas.
1. Turn the acres of trashed vehicles at the Spalding Auto Parts junk yard into a public “Car Maze.”
Think of the corn maze only with sharper edges. Parents will be able to drop off their children at one end and pick up the scratched but happy tykes at the other end – three weeks later.
2. Flood the giant valley gravel pits.
Developers will get rich building waterfront bungalows.
The City Council members can rake in Homeland Security funds by declaring Spokane Valley a seaport.
Preserve neighborhoods.
Begin happy hour at 6 a.m. in all Valley taverns.
Nothing brings neighbors together like cheap booze at the ol’ corner watering hole.
Foster community identity and pride.
1. Strip mall is such a negative term.
From now on it’s “horizontally deployed shopping opportunities.”
2. The Wyoming House of Representatives recently recognized the jackalope as its official mythical beast. The Spokane Valley Council should follow that lead and celebrate its own imaginary creature:
The Kaiser Worker.
Encourage citizen participation and volunteerism.
It’s Give a Pornographer a Helping Hand Day at Valley adult bookstores!
Wait a minute; I thought they said “voyeurism.”
Develop a city center.
Too much time has been wasted trying to pinpoint a Spokane Valley city center.
If I had my way it would be a no-brainer: the Longhorn Barbecue.
But this is a matter for the people to decide and it’s time to put it up for a vote.
Current contenders are: Argonne Village, the Splash-Down water slide and Post Falls.
On a side note, I think University City would make a great tourist attraction as the official Spokane Valley Ghost Mall.
Visitors would line up as psychics attempt to contact the spirits of long-departed Crescent shoppers.
Take a balanced approach to growth and development.
I don’t know about you, but all those tacky signs and billboards have turned Sprague Avenue into a bleeding eyesore. It’s time we cut the Sprague signage count in half.
Let’s see. That would make it about 1,714 signs per block.
Emphasize public safety.
1. Lap dancers must be board certified. For a fee (and convincing performance), applicants will be issued a Spokane Valley Crotch Choreographer license.
2. Hairnets for meth cooks. No excuses!
Plan infrastructure to allow development.
Enough with the gobbledygook. We all know what you bureaucrats are talking about:
Graft, bribery, payoffs, skim …
Build partnerships between schools, businesses and government.
I see all three areas – schools, business and government – joining forces to build a juvenile justice center.
And it should be named after Spokane Valley’s foremost delinquent:
The Eddie Ray Hall of Detention.