Hey, Retief: It’s all about ‘playing hurt’

Retief Goosen, the fifth-ranked golfer in the world, was disqualified from the Nissan Open last week when he missed his pro-am time because, well – how shall we say? – he got stuck in the rough with a bottle of rotgut.

Goosen had hosted a party for Grey Goose vodka at Riviera Country Club the night before. During the event, according to the Los Angeles Times, he told reporters, “I have never really drunk vodka, but I’ve had a few tonight. Somebody is going to have to drive me home.”

He was scheduled to tee off at 6:40 the next morning, but overslept and showed up late.

Dean Martin, he’s not.

I am here to both defend and attack Goosen.

Frankly, no one should have to be anywhere at 6:40 a.m. At that hour, you should be either (a) sleeping or (b) getting home about to go to sleep. Under no circumstance should anyone be shaved, showered and standing near a sand trap at 6:40 in the morning.

If golfers had a stronger union, it would prevent such preposterously early tee times.

Heck, I graduated college – granted, it was just the University of Maryland, without honors – without taking a single course that began earlier than 11 a.m.

In fact, throughout history, nothing good has ever happened before noon. Thomas Edison, for instance, invented the light bulb in early afternoon. F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote nearly the entirety of “The Great Gatsby” during happy hour. And when Charles Lindbergh made the first nonstop solo flight across the Atlantic Ocean, he departed at 7:10 p.m.*

(*Scheduled departure was actually 6:35 p.m., but there was a slight delay while luggage was loaded, then Lindbergh was forced to taxi at JFK International Airport for 22 minutes before takeoff.)

(Bowling intermission: A couple weeks ago, I watched Walter Ray Williams Jr. fail in his attempt to tie Earl Anthony’s all-time PBA Tour title mark of 41. Then last week, I watched Amleto Monacelli break a seven-year drought with his 19th PBA Tour title. I was the proverbial pig in slop – in a time of uncertainty and a sea of TV excess, there remains no purer joy than sidling up on the sofa and watching bowlers bowl. On Sunday, I taped the U.S. Open, so don’t tell me who won. What, I’m out of my mind? No, good people, you’re out of your mind.)

On the other hand …

What, this guy can’t hold his liquor? It’s not as if Goosen was being asked to split an atom at the crack of dawn while swilling hooch. Who can’t swing a golf club after a couple of Cosmopolitans?

Heck, I’m on my third glass of Pinot Grigio as I write this sentence.

(Then again, I once drank so much tequila, I called NASA and applied for the Apollo mission.)

Athletes play hurt, and playing hurt includes everything from hangnails to hangovers.

I was just talking to the incomparable Bud Furillo, former sports editor of the defunct Los Angeles Herald-Examiner, and he told me how Hall of Famer Bobby Layne boozed his way through an entire Pro Bowl week in the 1950s. “I’m not going to play anyway,” Layne reasoned.

But on game day, Norm Van Brocklin had the flu, and Layne did play. He threw five interceptions – but still won the game.

Now, that’s a man.

Then there was Art Fowler – longtime pitching coach for Billy Martin (and a one-time Spokane Indian) – who, when he was a reliever with the Dodgers, “was the last guy I saw with a bottle in his locker,” Furillo recalled. Fowler could throw ‘em down all night and throw it by you all day.

But one time in San Francisco in 1959, Sandy Koufax was peeved at a semi-sober Fowler because he had given up a grand-slam homer and blew the game against the Giants. Koufax chastised Fowler afterward, to which Fowler responded, “Son, I didn’t put all those men on base.”

Goosen is scheduled to play in this week’s $7.5 million Match Play Championship in Carlsbad, Calif. I don’t think a shot and a beer would kill him the night before.

Ask The Slouch

Q. In regard to the NHL, have you ever been in a situation in which a woman has told you it’s absolutely, positively over, then a few days later comes to the motel room you’re staying in to indicate she might want to resume the relationship? (M.L. Stearns; Albany, N.Y.)

A. I never like it when a reader appears to be intentionally trying to get on my bad side.

Q. Why did Jose Canseco sing like a canary? (Larry Fine; Spokane.)

A. Uh, why does Budweiser sell beer? (By the way, I guess Canseco never saw “Goodfellas” when Jimmy tells Henry, “You learned the two greatest things in life … never rat on your friends and keep your mouth shut.”)

Q. Recent reports have surfaced that the government has compensated syndicated columnists to back certain policies. Are you being paid by Rolling Rock, TiVo or the divorce lawyer lobby? (Ed Higgins; Nashville)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.