Just one gift appropriate for this couple

With all the swell Presidents Day store sales going on, Monday struck me as an ideal opportunity to take a hike down to Spokane’s Bon-Macy’s store and find that “perfect” wedding present for Washington’s weirdest couple.

That’s Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau, of course.

I confess I was aghast when the news broke last week. An Associated Press story credited Fualaau’s agent and family friend with announcing that Letourneau and her former sixth-grade pupil – with whom she bore two kids – were tying the knot.

“It’s been long overdue,” Noel Soriano told the Seattle Post-Intelligencer. “It’s going to be fabulous, seeing them get hitched finally.”

Call me old-fashioned. But I grew up thinking that child molesters shouldn’t be allowed to marry their victims.

As the news story noted: “Letourneau, 43, served 7 ½ years in prison after being convicted of raping Fualaau, now 22.”

I was also surprised to learn that the couple’s gift list had been entered into the computerized Bon-Macy’s bridal registry. (April 16 is the Big Day, according to the bridal registry.)

Silly me. I naturally assumed Vili was getting too long in the tooth for a predator with Mary Kay’s proclivities.

Maybe they’re getting married for the sake of the illegitimate kids.

Doesn’t it seem strange for people to be raising all kinds of holy hell about gays getting married when an unholy union like this can find legal sanction?

Sorry. I’m slipping into negativity again. The modern thing is to stay positive and drift with the flow.

At Bon-Macy’s, I found a helpful bridal consultant who cheerily printed out the Letourneau/Fualaau list for my gift-giving needs.

Mary Kay must have been studying “Martha Stewart Living” during her stay in the joint. The list is filled with dozens of tasteful items that I’m betting young, dumb Vili had nothing to do with.

I’m talking about things like Waterford flatware ($55 a place setting), a Villeroy & Boch pickle dish ($17.50) and a Kitchenaid mixer ($249.98) …

Mary Kay does know a thing or two about being a homemaker.

“Letourneau was 34 and a married mother of four when she began a sexual relationship with the then 12-year-old Fualaau after meeting at Burien’s Shorewood Elementary School in 1996,” the AP reported.

A tabloid headline writer’s dream, Mary Kay was pregnant with Vili’s first child when the law caught up with her in 1997. Ordered to serve six months in jail, she got out and was caught having sex with the boy in a car.

Pregnant again. Some felons never learn.

Sheets seemed like a fitting present until I saw what sheets they were registered for. The list has her down for Hotel by Charter Club bed linen with 600 thread count.

I don’t want to be a spoilsport, but I don’t sleep on material that silky.

The way I see it, anyone who commits car sex with a kid and does hard time on a prison mattress doesn’t deserve to park her sorry behind on 600 thread count.

Fed up with the list, I decided to prowl the store in search of something more age-appropriate, given the situation.

Like the cute $99.99 CD players that come in the shape of a toy Hummer.

“One for her. One for him,” offered a sales clerk.

Or for $199.99, I could get a mini electric scooter that actually runs. Vili could use it to make a quick escape should he ever wise up and want deliverance from his matrimonial nightmare.

Those items were good, but not quite right. I know. I headed for the teen boy’s clothing department.

Another salesclerk directed me to a rack of striped Quicksilver track jackets ($59.50). All the kids are wearing them, she said.

I dunno. The more I think about it there’s only one gift to appropriately commemorate the Letourneau/Fualaau nuptials. I’m donating $25 to the Spokane Sexual Assault & Family Trauma Response Center.

In Mary Kay’s name.