After all this time, there’s much to tell

Baseball left the nation’s capital after the 1971 season. This effectively stripped me of my childhood – well, actually, seeing portions of “Carnal Knowledge” already had done that – and prompted me to glumly tell my best friend Victor Littman, “We’ll never get another baseball team.”

A scant 34 years later, I have been proven wrong again.

For next week baseball returns to my beloved hometown of Washington, D.C. – last in peace, last in congressional representation but first in new, tax-funded stadium construction – as the Nationals open their inaugural National League season.

Since the Senators became the Texas Rangers in ‘72, I have openly missed the national pastime. Or so I thought. What’s to miss? I mean, look at what’s happened in the interim:

The DH was instituted in 1973, and soon after, America was in the throes of cultural decline.

There was a strike-shortened season in 1981. (In baseball’s defense, it’s not as if the World Series was canceled.)

The World Series was canceled in 1994. (In baseball’s defense, it’s not as if the entire season was lost.)

Pete Rose gambled here and there, and here and there, and here and there.

In lieu of a commissioner, MLB appointed Bud Selig to take most of Donald Fehr’s calls.

Players switched from designer jeans to designer steroids.

Sometime in the early 1980s, probably in Dodger Stadium, The Wave was invented.

George Brett had a pine tar bat and Sammy Sosa had a corked bat.

Baseball inadvertently expanded into Puerto Rico for portions of two seasons.

The four-dollar soda became a ballpark standard.

Steve Howe embodied baseball’s seven-strikes-and-you’re-out drug policy.

Yankee Stadium stopped driving relief pitchers into the game in a Datsun. (I believe this happened the same year that Datsun stopped making cars.)

Mike Kekich and Fritz Peterson swapped wives. (This had the twin effect of giving baseball a black eye and jump-starting reality TV.)

Jim Palmer posed for Jockey underwear. (I like Palmer and love Jockey, but seeing him plastered across America wearing only briefs stunted my social development.)

An All-Star Game ended in a tie and subsequent All-Star Games decided home-field advantage in the World Series (in years in which they are played).

Marge Schott did a lot of stupid stuff.

Ted Williams’ head, I believe, was frozen, misplaced or sold on eBay.

Vince Coleman, I believe, threw an M-80 firecracker into a stadium parking lot, injuring a child and a woman.

A Rangers pitcher, I believe, threw a ball boy’s chair from the bullpen into the stands in Oakland.

A father and a son, I believe, ran onto the field and assaulted Royals coach Tom Gamboa.

Milton Bradley, I believe, threw a bottle into the stands at his home Dodger Stadium field.

Roberto Alomar, I believe, spit in an umpire’s face.

Albert Belle, I believe, drilled a heckling fan in the chest with a baseball.

Belle, I believe, also threw two baseballs at a photographer who kept taking his picture.

Several Dodgers, I believe, brawled with fans in the Wrigley Field stands after Chad Kreuter’s cap was taken.

Randall Simon, I believe, smashed a female frankfurter with a bat during the nightly sausage race in Milwaukee.

Dave Winfield, I believe, killed a seagull with a thrown ball and Randy Johnson, I believe, killed a dove with a fast ball.

Tim McCarver put down a catcher’s mask and picked up a microphone.

On the other hand, Cal Ripken Jr. played in 2,632 consecutive games and Charlie Sheen had a nice acting turn in “Major League.”

Ask The Slouch

Q. On the same day the Cavaliers’ Eric Snow played 40 minutes and did not score from the field, I read your whole column and you said nothing, yet you both get big bucks. What gives? (Ron Swetland; Cleveland)

A. Both our contracts reflect past performance, and as many wise investors know, past performance does not guarantee future results.

Q. When you watch poker on ESPN, do you mute yourself? (Bill Fanning; Beaumont, Texas)

A. No, but when I stand in front of a mirror, I blindfold myself.

Q. In what year did basketball players stop wearing shorts and start wearing culottes? (Ann Dunnington; Solomons, Md.)

A. I believe it was the year that Ralph Lauren’s son began playing AAU basketball.

Q. Factoring in age (Randy Johnson) and lack of experience (Carlos Beltran), who got the better deal – Johnson, Beltran or your ex-wives? (Butch Maier; Akron, Ohio)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. Would you marry a woman who doesn’t drink Rolling Rock? (Mark Schlesinger; Rolla, Mo.)

A. Would you?