West scandal has Spokane tied up
Voting Monday on whether to ask Mayor-in-Hiding Jim West to take a formal leave of absence, Spokane City Council members accomplished even less than usual by killing the resolution with a 3-3 tie.
Is there anything more unsatisfying or un-American than a tie?
Ties are for hockey and soccer. And look what happened to those sports.
Pro hockey is more over than the Brad Pitt-Jennifer Aniston marriage bed. TV soccer pulls lower ratings than square-dancing on the public-access channel.
In 2002, baseball Commissioner Bud Selig decided to end the All-Star Game with an 11th inning 7-7 tie.
Furious fans threw garbage.
That’s what a tie will get you.
The mayor’s “sex-capades” have us skewered on the prongs of a credibility crisis. We need leaders who will hold fast and steer the course and all those other corny clichés you hear in John Wayne war movies.
What we don’t need are a pack of deadlocked do-nothing doofuses.
By now West’s travails are so well known I won’t belabor the point with tedious rehashing.
Instead I’ll just recap the essentials:
Mayor West … conservative Republican … outspoken opponent of gay rights issues … caught trolling the Internet for teen/man love. … Hey, stranger, ever drive a Lexus?… City Hall could use a handsome lad like you. … I did not masturbate in my office! … Leno … Letterman …
Spokane is now half punching bag, half punch line. We must make a stand. Even a solid slump will do!
Tie votes don’t help at all.
“A tie is relocating from Post Falls – to Millwood.
“A tie is a toupee vs. – a mullet.
“A tie is discussing the works of Shakespeare with Paris Hilton – or a chimpanzee.
“A tie is exchanging a new Yanni CD – for the latest Kenny G release.
“A tie is a baggie of BC bud – or Maui Wowie.
“A tie is being stuck in an unventilated elevator with Rosie O’Donnell – or Roseanne Barr.
“A tie is finding a quarter on the sidewalk – a Canadian quarter.
“A tie is having a root canal – or watching a Carrot Top movie.
“A tie is dinner at Applebee’s – or Red Robin.
“A tie is being a costumed “Star Wars” dork – or a costumed “Star Trek” dork.
Ties suck.
With her unflinching calls for West’s head, former Mayor Sheri Barnard comes off looking like the leader Spokane needs. Of course, had Sheri exhibited this level of grit when she was mayor, she’d still be in office, and we wouldn’t be in this pickle.
Oh, well, you know the old saying: When the going gets tough – Brad Stark goes to Mexico.
That’s right. Councilman Stark’s presence on Monday night would have represented a potential logjam-busting vote. But Stark, I’m informed by our City Hall reporter, is vacationing somewhere South of the Border.
You call this leadership?
Did Lincoln head away for a Jacuzzi soak while the Battle of Gettysburg raged?
Did Churchill play video games while the Nazis bombed London?
In my view, the only legitimate excuses for Stark’s no-show are:
1. Pre-planned amputation.
2. UFO abduction.
3. Hitting the Powerball.
Have a swell time in Mexico, Brad. (I hope he drinks the water.)
I tell you what, my Lilac City amigos. This town is toast.
And I mean that literally.
Check out item 5581305672 on eBay. Some joker is trying to auction off a piece of toast that allegedly bears the miraculous image of:
“Jim West mayor of Spokane Wa, found on my toast” reads the sales pitch in bold type.
I would have made a bid had the toast ghost looked a little more like Mayor West and a little less like a character in a “Dilbert” cartoon – which is a sort of tie when you think about it.
Someone make it all go away.