NBA being run with a Stern hand
Today we will start by stating two facts, then we will finish later by stating two additional facts. (This is a professional column experiment that should not be tried at home.)
1. You don’t tug on Superman’s cape.
2. You don’t mess with David Stern’s NBA.
In the midst of another exhilarating NBA postseason – I keep turning on the games with no intention of watching them and then can’t turn them off – Stern has stepped in to tell us a lockout is possible sooner than later.
The bad news is that we could be faced with games lost at the start of the next regular season. The good news is that we won’t have to hear Hubie Brown talk about rotating the ball on ABC as if it’s a life-affirming decision.
Anyway, as always is the case in America, most good news or bad news is financially driven.
Or, as H.L. Mencken once put it, “The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated.”
Indeed, once again we have two groups of very rich people trying to parcel out a grotesque pile of cash – with two groups of lawyers haggling over details – while Charles Barkley lounges in a TNT studio snacking and chatting.
Frankly, when you put $2.5 billion on the table, there really should be enough to go around, unless Latrell Sprewell suddenly decides to have triplets.
Yet the league and the players’ union have broken off negotiations on a new collective bargaining agreement, and, as NBA commissioner Stern noted on TV the other day, “We’ve fallen into a little bit of the old name-calling routine.”
The name-calling began when union director Billy Hunter suggested that a Stern comment – about agents running the union – was racist. Stern, I believe, responded by calling Hunter a “fraidy-cat.”*
(* This is likely a fabrication on my part. I’ve just always wanted to use the word “fraidy-cat” in a column.)
(Hockey update: Marathon negotiations between the NHL and its players’ union broke down last week when the two sides couldn’t agree on what toppings to put on the delivery pizza. Meanwhile, ESPN might forego televising NHL games next season in favor of three-card monte.)
If you think Stern – who is one part Judge Landis, one part Tony Soprano – will be outmaneuvered or outmuscled, think again. Here is an exchange he had Friday with Jim Rome on ESPN, after Rome had asked him if NBA players are using steroids:
Stern: “By the way, let me ask you a question. Are there many people working with you at ESPN who are using steroids or drugs?”
Rome: “Why do you ask?”
Stern: “Why do you ask?”
Rome: “Why do you ask?”
Stern: “Same reason.”
Rome: “Because I’m the interviewer, I ask the questions. Why do you ask?”
Stern: “Well, but I mean, you know, it’s sort of interesting – it’s sort of like, professional athletes, everyone gets to take a free shot.”
Rome: “Well, I guess the difference is…”
Stern: “Congressmen, interviewers and the like…”
Rome: “I will answer your question. The reason I ask is, steroids would improve the performance of your athletes. I’m not sure they’d help me or any of my colleagues.”
Stern: “I don’t know. You know what? Maybe your tough questioning is from ‘roid rage. I can’t tell.”
These are the two facts with which we will now leave you:
1. The “Why do you ask?” portion of that dialogue easily trumps the 1974 Richard Nixon-Dan Rather “Are you running for something?”/ “No, sir, Mr. President, are you?” exchange.
2. Last week I gave you Afleet Alex as the Preakness winner. This week I give you David Stern as the upcoming labor-dispute winner.
Ask The Slouch
Q. Did you watch the WNBA season opener on ABC? I was wondering what you thought of the announcers. (T.R. Meehan; Pittsburgh)
A. I didn’t even notice the announcers. I did notice the Seattle Storm had missed 14 consecutive shots in the second half, at which time I opened my front door in hopes of an intervention.
Q. What’s up with Serena Williams? (James Dunn; Maple Heights, Ohio)
A. She’s pulled out of tournaments this year with a stomach ailment, a shoulder injury and a bad ankle. I suspect she might miss Wimbledon with shopper’s elbow.
Q. I’m off to Las Vegas next week; I’ve never been before. What’s the first thing I should do? (Chris Crisafi; Wheaton, Md.)
A. The Norman Chad wing of The Mirage Hotel and Casino – built off a long series of blackjack hands that busted under my supervision – is worth seeing.