Wall Street bonus

I had never seen “Details” magazine until my lovely wife, Sherry, gave me a copy she picked up during a recent business trip. What an eye-opener! With $600 dress shirts and $4,300 shoes, “Details” basically targets average folks in the Spokane area.

If we were all members of Bill Gates’ immediate family.

An article in the November issue notes that the average Wall Street bonus will likely hit $100,000 again. “Which raises the question: if you have six figures of cash on hand, how should you spend it?”

Fortunately, “Details” provides helpful ideas on how to blow the $100 grand burning a hole in your cashmere pocket.

We’re basically in the same boat here in the Insolvent Empire. We’re just missing three or four of the aforementioned zeroes. So, as a service to the bologna-for-brunch bunch, I have scouted affordable Spokane alternatives to the “Details” indulgences.

DETAILS Must-Have: First edition of Mark Twain’s Adventures of Huckleberry Finn – $18,500.

DOUG’S Low-Brow Alternative: First edition “Expo ‘74,” the official coffee table book of the Spokane World’s Fair. The writing may not be Twain worthy, but the ending’s happier. From the White Elephant museum of unsold Expo relics – $9.99.

DETAILS Must-Have: The Ophelia Ultra down comforter – $4,275.

DOUG’S Low-Brow Alternative: You lose your job. You lose your house. Your wife runs off with the crack dealer …

Now you’re living on a Manito Park bench and winter is coming. You need the “Emergency Blanket,” guaranteed to reflect up to 90 percent of your unwashed body heat. From Mountain Gear – $2.95.

DETAILS Must-Have: Cartier Santos-Dumont 18-karat white gold watch – $10,700.

DOUG’S Low-Brow Alternative: The LCD sports quartz watch in genuine plastic will keep good time as the seconds of your luckless life tick away. Like all Dollar Tree items – it’s only a buck.

DETAILS Must-Have: A barrel of My Cult Cab wine – $9,900.

DOUG’S Low-Brow Alternative: A keg of vino only sounds like a great idea until you sober up and try to fit it into your trailer. Let a four-liter jug of Carlo Rossi paisano red be your joyride to sweet sedation.

At all fine Safeway outlets – $9.98.

DETAILS Must-Have: A genuine 1948 Matisse lithograph – $12,000.

DOUG’S Low-Brow Alternative: You call that Matisse art? It’s crap next to Jim Lee’s Superman, Wonder Woman and Batman poster. From The Comic Book Shop – $7.95.

DETAILS Must-Have: Sieger-caliber German shepherd from the Von Wilhendorf Kennels – $10,000-plus.

DOUG’S Low-Brow Alternative: Meet Derby, a junkyard-caliber dog currently housed at the SpokAnimal shelter. He may not have papers, but Derby can lick his privates just like a fancy pedigreed mutt.

His adoption fee is sponsored. That makes Derby available to the right owner – absolutely free.

DETAILS Must-Have: Modified 1974 Norton Commando motorcycle – about $12,000.

DOUG’S Low-Brow Alternative: You can’t afford a helmet, you idiot. Only one transportation mode fits the sleazy rider: An adult bus pass from Spokane Transit Authority – $33.

DETAILS Must-Have: Custom Ermenegildo Zegna wool suit – $11,475.

DOUG’S Low-Brow Alternative: Only preachers and undertakers wear suits in Spokane. A Zags basketball T-shirt is our universal apparel, fitting for church or a country club wedding.

Yours at the Gonzaga University Bookstore – $15.99.

DETAILS Must-Have: Grand Hotel trunk and Palace trunk by Goyard – $5,285 and $5,755, respectively.

DOUG’S Low-Brow Alternative: Complimentary Nordstrom shopping bag.

It’s roomy enough to hide your jug of Rossi as you wander the streets, drinking and cursing the fact that you will never – ever – have a $100,000 bonus to blow.