And the hits keep on coming

Thu., Nov. 24, 2005

Doug Clark The Spokesman-Review

The way I see it, this mayoral recall malarkey boils down to two choices.

1. You voters can be selfish and mark your mail-in ballots with the integrity and honor of Spokane in mind or …

2. You can stop thinking about yourselves and consider the bigger picture – My Needs.

Yes, I’ll be the biggest loser if Jim West gets a bus pass to Planet Nowhere.

Don’t you folks understand? I’ve poured too many punch lines into the sex scandal that has West’s political noggin hanging over the guillotine bucket.

I’ve given and I’ve given.

Awhile back I rewrote “My Way,” elevating it into “BiWay,” a mayoral song parody. I even went into a studio and – as the hipsters say – laid down tracks.

Do you fools have a clue how lucky you are? Most columnists sit around writing nostalgic look-backs at the penny loafer or pompous tomes on how to fix Iraq.

And editors wonder why newspapers are losing readers faster than brain cells at a PETA rally.

Please. Don’t make me have to start working over someone new.

Dennis Hession, for example. The City Council president could be the next Spokane mayor.

Oh, sure, Hession sounds like a moral guy who pays his bills and has never had one lustful thought about a farm animal. But you can’t write funny song lyrics about that. I need freaks, dammit!

You recallers with your supposed high standards need to realize what’s at stake here. So as a reminder, I’ve defiled yet another beloved song and stepped inside a sound booth to vocalize about our embattled mayor.

This time I’ve reworked “Favorite Things,” that festive ditty from the “The Sound of Music.” As before, you can enjoy my new lyrics here or go online to www.spokesman.com and listen to its full, intended glory.

And so I give you …

“Favorite Flings”

Late nights on Web sites that tickle my fancy

Chat rooms and boy toys who want to romance me

Lilacs and laptops and my ding-a-ling

These are a few of the mayor’s favorite flings

Hot hunky interns with manly moustaches

City Hall jobs for accepting my passes

Handsome high schoolers who just turned 18

These are a few of the mayor’s favorite flings

Campaigns and comebacks and standing ovations

Hard drives that hide offensive inclinations

Voters who don’t want my ass in a sling

These are a few of the mayor’s favorite flings

When the press bites

When the feds strike

When they say I’m through

I conjure up memories of my favorite flings

And then I don’t feel – so blue

No more reports on my cyber sex capers

Steve Smith’s obituary in the paper

Hearing he choked on a Thanksgiving wing

These are a few of the mayor’s favorite flings

Man-candy kisses and rides in my Lexus

Republican presidents who come from Texas

Chippendale dancers all dressed in G-strings

These are a few of the mayor’s favorite flings

Moonlight and merlot and ponies with saddles

Three-hundred bucks for a naked dog paddle

Life is a lark for a guy who can swing

These are a few of the mayor’s favorite flings

When I’m recalled

When I’m blackballed

When the rent comes due

I’ll still recollect all those favorite flings

And then I won’t feel – so blue

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