Lessons from a mom who’s been there

Rebecca Schiering, 31, has advice for the young woman who is sauntering down a path of bad endings. Maybe she’s into drugs. Maybe she’s hanging with guys and gals who scare you. Maybe she’s pregnant and in no way ready to be a mother. Maybe she already has a child.

The young woman will not like this advice. So clip and save it. Someday she might use it to dig out of the hole she’s living in.

I wrote about Rebecca on Saturday. She’s the manager – soon to be owner – of The Reclothery, an upscale women’s consignment boutique on Spokane’s South Hill. A few years ago, Rebecca, a mother of three boys, was in a homeless shelter, recovering from addiction and despair. She dug herself out, with help.

She hopes to teach troubled young women someday. Today, she’s a “guest lecturer” in my column space. Here’s her lecture, titled “The Six Shovels of Reality”:

Shovel No. 1: It’s all up to you.

Quit blaming anyone else. So you had a bad childhood, and you use it as an excuse to make bad choices. Well, you can make some right choices in the middle of the bad ones. Break up with that guy who beats you. Break up with that guy stuck in prison.

It’s not easy to change. You are going to be out of your comfort zone. It’s lonely. It’s insecure. And you might stumble. Forgive yourself. Keep going. The bad doesn’t automatically get better. It’s a process. If it took you five years to dig the hole, it might take you five years to dig out.

Shovel No. 2: No one owes you anything.

Welfare is a not a right. It won’t go on forever. They have a right to require you to look for a job.

If you’re on welfare, don’t smoke. It’s a $5-a-day habit. That’s money you are taking from your kids. When you are depressed, you want to smoke. I know. I rolled cigarettes and used the Bible for rolling paper. It’s an addiction, but you have to stop being manipulated by your choices.

Shovel No. 3: Accept help with humility.

The Inland Northwest is known for its caring people who work and volunteer in agencies and nonprofits. But the help will always have strings attached. That’s the right of the helpers.

If you take refuge in a shelter or a transitional living center, there will be rules. It’s really tough to be told when to eat and when to sleep. But you have to be humble and willing to play by their rules.

You might think your way would be better. But your way was not working. You are homeless. You got pregnant with a man who is a loser. You’ll get to run the show again. But first you have to get it right.

Shovel No. 4: You are who you fly with.

The people you have around you reflect your beliefs. Hang out with people who do drugs, you are open to that behavior. Hang out with people who steal, you obviously admire it.

Instead, hang out with people who have traits you want to emulate. My mentor at St. Margaret’s Shelter in Spokane was Kathy Danforth. She allowed me to be who I was. We went to lunch. We met for coffee. You think people who are doing drugs go out to lunch, meet for coffee? They don’t.

Shovel No. 5: Don’t ruin your kids.

Moms know when we’re being bad for our kids. Having your kids while you do drugs or get beat up is not good. Feeling guilt, feeling shame, hiding your parenting behavior from people? Those are signs you need to get your kids to adults who can take care of them.

Shovel No. 6: Wear the uniform of who you want to be.

If you wear a whore uniform, people will treat you like a whore. Don’t wear sweats when you visit agencies. Brush your hair. Don’t cake on the makeup.

You don’t have to spend a lot. Agencies have clothing banks, and there’s always Value Village. Get a pair of loafers, Dockers pants, a nice shirt. This will be your digging-out-of-the-hole uniform. Not very interesting, I know. But you can do interesting later.

So young women on the path of bad endings, stop and start digging. You can do it. Trust me.