Arrow-right Camera
The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Police-owned drug houses would be a recreational hit

Doug Clarkdoug Clark The Spokesman-Review

Being a jaded Lilac City lifer, I barely expressed a hiccup of surprise the other day when the front page told me about a bunch of North Side neighbors who were grousing about drugs being sold out of a nearby apartment house.

Dope houses? On the North Side?

Please. Such a revelation hardly classifies as front-page material.

The current edition of Yellow Pages shows that North Side drug houses now outnumber drive-through espresso stands by 15 outlets.

But as I read further I realized that this was no ordinary tale of the toot trade. This story contained what we Spokane journalism professionals call a “Holy Intern!” news nugget.

And that was that the alleged dope-peddling apartment house in question is owned – by a city police officer.

This is unusual even in these twisted mayoral recall times.

For purposes of clarity and lawsuit prevention, I will make the following statement with my hand firmly pressed reverently on the latest Guitar Player magazine.

I, Doug Clark, do not know one way or the other if, in fact, any illegal mind-altering substances are moving out of the aforementioned cop-owned abode.

I’m talking about items like:

Alley juice, angel dust, big C, black beauties, blotter acid, china white, crank, dexies, giggle-sticks, goofballs, leapers, ludes, Hillyard marching powder, pimp dust, poppers …

You get the idea.

The angry neighbors say they took their complaints to Spokane Police Department brass but were unable get any action. This lack of response has only fueled their suspicions that something rotten is afoot in Spo-Copland.

Hey, we know exactly how they feel.

Reporter Thomas Clouse made a good-faith attempt to ferret out pertinent information about this ruckus from the police brass. As per usual, our efforts were less productive than the quest to locate Amelia Earhart’s corpse.

This just in:

Spokane Police officials have changed the SPD motto from “Service, Pride and Dedication” to “Secrecy, Prevarication and Deceit.”

To paraphrase my favorite part of Clouse’s story:

Refusing repeated attempts to be interviewed about this issue, police Chief Roger “Duck & Cover” Bragdon referred all inquiries to Police Spokesmannequin Lt. Dick Kissbottom.

Lt. Kissbottom, who holds a black belt in obstruction, went out of his way to be even more useless than normal.

By doing …

Precisely …

Nada.

In time, I’m confident that we will uncover the truth about this purported thin blue mainline.

I’m in no hurry. You know me. I’m a man of restraint – the last guy to go off half-cocked, especially when it involves such a well-run and forthright institution like our local police.

Hypothetically speaking, however, I can see a number of societal advantages to having drug houses owned by The Man. Why, a little responsible law enforcement overseership just might place some much-needed controls on controlled substances.

Consider the possibilities at cop-owned drug houses:

• In the event of a drive-by, police response time will be even faster if Officer Landlord is up working on the roof.

• Drugs can be scored the old-fashioned way with cash or via contributions to the Police Guild Sunshine Committee.

• Guaranteed bulletproof bongs.

• Free Donut Tuesday with every nickel bag.

• Get a fix – fix your ticket.

• One suspended sentence coupon with each new junkie referral.

• Valet parking provided by off-duty officers.

• Convenient one stop drop-off for payoffs and judicial bribes.

• Do a line with McGruff the crime dog.

• Dope is always “Evidence Room Fresh.”