Empty nesters give others’ kids a home

My sister-in-law and brother-in-law live here in the Inland Northwest. They seem to be normal people except they can afford things like a giant house with an indoor pool that features a jungle garden with rare tropical plants, which aren’t plastic, unlike my pool (two-rings) and house plants (need dusting).

The last of their four children just left home for college, so they have reached that enviable situation to which we normal worn-out parents aspire: the empty nest.

But these in-laws have a dark side. Despite their amiable appearance, they are deeply twisted.

Let me state my case.

My brother- and sister-in-law take children from Child Protective Services upon short notice and bring those children into their big, lately childless home. They give the new child the run of the house, provide necessities and give some structure to the visitor’s life.

Here is the clincher: My in-laws accept teenagers!

The state’s requirements are many. Often someone must be present in the house with teenagers at all times, sometimes phone calls have to be limited and incoming calls screened.

These two in-laws regularly allow this major interruption in their lives.

On one occasion, my in-laws took in siblings – seven boys and girls – from first grade to high school age with a caveat from the state representative that these children needed a home for an indeterminate time.

These in-laws are not well. Normal people cherish the empty nest and the chance to indulge selfish interests.

I attempted to plumb their minds, hoping they might say something for which I could have them declared insane. Then, due to their “incompetency,” I would become the court-appointed custodian of their substantial assets and swim in a pool that I do not have to blow up and sniff flowers that do not have a polyurethane scent.

So I ask my sister-in-law, “Whaddya learned from all this foster parenting?”

“Mother Nature is wise to let us bond with our children while they are young, so we can stand them during the teen years.”

She was hard to trick.

“They say that parents of teens know why some animals eat their young,” I answered. “You two make it look so easy.”

“We want to avoid showing our stress to these kids. They’ve probably seen too many stressed adults by the time they come to live with us.”

She didn’t say anything that would be admissible in a sanity hearing.

A week later, my in-laws and I attended the funeral of a departed aged aunt. My experience with this elderly aunt was that she was an opinionated and generally nasty sort.

After I mentioned that observation, my wife cautioned me not to judge the old girl because I had not known her during her younger years, when she was healthy and in good spirits, apparently a regular “bon vivant.”

After the ceremony, I edged over to my sister-in-law to seek refuge from my wife’s scolding and also to provoke a statement from her allowing me to become custodian of her assets.

“Jeez, Aunt Hazel was a tyrant. I’m surprised that so many people showed up for her funeral.”

“Tyrant?” My sister-in-law drew back from me.

“Yeah, I never heard her say a nice word to anyone.”

“You were only around her for the last few years of her life.”

“That was enough. No, that was more than enough.”

“Remember our conversation about parents bonding with their children while they are young so you can stand them in the teenage years?”

“I do.”

“Well, I’ve learned a corollary to that,” she leaned over to whisper.

“Oh?”

“It’s easy to forgive the nastiness in old people. You can even feel good about tending to their special needs, because you knew them back when they were their normal selves, when they were vibrant and very alive. We all loved Hazel for who she was, not for the way she was at the end.”

“Oh,” I responded, perturbed at her rationality.

This foster parenting seems to be making my sister-in-law some kind of an interpersonal guru.

And every day I am looking dumber. I am losing it. Going around the bend.

But I am working on a defense for my competency hearing.