Roaster roster prepared for Filet of Clark
On Sunday I will be roasted for charity at the Davenport Hotel, and I am shivering like a terrier in a tornado.
One can only imagine what cruel jokes will be cracked at my expense by the panel of celebrities who will grill me at this first-ever Filet of Clark.
KREM-2 Television anchor Randy Shaw, for example.
Randy and I have had our difficulties. The trouble dates back to when I played guitar in his country and Western band.
He kicked me out.
Randy said I knew way too many chords for hillbilly music.
Bada-boom!
Some of the other roasters aren’t so scary.
Like former mayor Sheri Barnard. I consider it an honor just to be in the same room with the woman whose first mayoral act was presiding over the grand opening of Spokane’s new Manito Park.
Bada-bing!
And Debra Wilde?
She’s the queen bee of KXLY radio and television, and I’ll punch anybody who says different. Why, our friendship goes all the way back to when Debbie was a blonde.
Bada-bleach!
I’m wasting my comebacks. If you want to hear my responses after the roasters take turns ripping me a new one you’ll just have to come to the Davenport’s Grand Pennington Ballroom.
Doors open an hour before the 3-5 p.m. event. A $5 minimum donation to the American Red Cross is suggested. Half the proceeds go to the organization’s national effort. Half the money stays local.
Think of this as a family friendly outing, reminiscent of those folksy days when mom, dad and the kids would gather on the courthouse lawn – to watch a hanging.
So come to the swank Davenport and watch me swing.
Speaking of swing, live music will be provided by the Fleeing Interns Orchestra. Plus there’ll be a bar with every drop of income going to the Red Cross.
That’s called guilt-free boozing, my friends.
I’ve spent a lot of time this week trying to prepare myself.
I watched a DVD copy of Comedy Central’s roast of Denis Leary. The only thing I learned was 50 new ways to say “bleepity-bleep.” (Sample: “Some people say he’s a narcissist, but I’m sure a lot of guys bleepity-bleep in front of a mirror.”)
I browsed the humor section of a bookstore looking for ammunition. Everything was shooting blanks.
(Sample: “You don’t eat Mexican food. You rent it.”)
Hmm. That one’s not too bad if you change Mexican food to Colbert well water.
What I really need is a book on how not to cry in public.
Oh, well. Let me introduce the rest of the roaster roster. Besides Barnard, Wilde and Shaw, my executioners are:
“Bob Apple, Spokane city councilman and owner of Hillyard’s Comet saloon.
“Rebecca Mack, of KGA radio’s Mark Fuhrman Show.
“Tom McArthur, Davenport Hotel spokesman.
“Verne Windham of Spokane Public Radio KPBX.
“Standup comics Jim Green, Chris Warren and Ken McComb.
Comedian Don Parkins, who came up with the roast idea, will act as master of ceremonies. His Uncle D’s Comedy Underground is co-sponsoring the event with The Davenport Hotel.
Maybe I have time to run all the roaster names through a crime database and dredge up a shoplifting or a public indecency conviction for blackmail purposes.
If only Mayor Jim West would release the hard drive on his city computer. I could check it out to see if any roasters show up in cameo appearances.
Aw, what am I thinking? They’re all way too old for Spokane’s teen/man trolling mayor.
Bada-bi!