The Slice: How about a shout out for kid names?

This isn’t going to be one of my usual rants about modern baby names.

Today, I’m all about helping prospective parents — not criticizing the moms and dads who’ve already blown it.

If you plan to saddle your child with an ultra-trendy name or one of those homemade “creative” formulations that no one will be able to pronounce or spell, fine. That’s your business.

But I ask you to consider one thing: What will that name sound like when you have to yell it?

Think about it.

“Precious Rain! Get in here this instant!”

What’s that? You say you don’t intend to ever raise your voice to your child?

Um, OK. Right.

But maybe you’ll slip. So I beg you to give this some thought.

Sooner or later, you are going to shout to get your offspring’s undivided attention. And if you haven’t considered this inevitability, you might choose unwisely when picking a name for your kid.

You see, you’ll want to select a regular name that is also a good Yelling Name.

And some Yelling Names just sound ridiculous.

I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings here. So I’m not going to list a bunch of monikers that obviously flunk the raised-voice test.

But most of us know an absurd baby name when we hear it. And an even higher percentage of noninstitutionalized adults recognize names that sound especially silly when pronounced at peak volume.

Still not clear? Try this experiment.

Next time you look at the obituaries, imagine yelling at a child with one of those solid, substantial names.

I mean no disrespect to the departed, of course. I just think you’ll find that, in most cases, it feels right. It seems natural.

You can see yourself uttering those names in an unmistakably assertive way.

“John Robert! Put that down this instant!”

But then try that with the names in the “Births” listings.

Some will be fine, to be sure. But a few of them won’t quite have the right ring. They will seem, well, embarrassing.

Believe me. When you come across a really bad Yelling Name, you’ll know.

Now some parents assume simply adding the middle name when cranking up one’s voice turns any kid’s name into a decent Yelling Name.

You know, “Duhkotah Big’Love, don’t you give me that look!”

Alas, it’s not quite that simple.

Some modern middle names are just as difficult to take seriously as certain 21st century first names.

It all comes back to one simple truth.

If you hope your child will distinguish himself or herself through achievement and character, you’re on the right track.

But if you think an unusual name is what makes a person special, you’re wrong.

And once you’ve picked a dumb name, well, it’s all over but the shouting.

“Today’s Slice question: What did your parents call you when they really wanted to get your attention?