Let’s hear it for pointless, unwieldy explanations

Marketing Mensa members at the Marriott are asking media moguls like me to help spread the word on their hotel’s new name change.

Frankly, after seeing what these geniuses have come up with, public exposure is about the last thing I’d want.

Not that I would consider rejecting their request.

Never pass up an opportunity to mock – that’s my motto.

So here we go. After much brainstorming (I have no idea how much alcohol was involved), the Marriotteers have renamed their …

Wait a second. If I say it, you’ll think I’m making something up, like usual. Instead, I’ll quote the opening of the press release exactly as it reads, including boldface type and exclamation point.

“The Courtyard by Marriott Spokane is pleased to announce that we have changed our name to the Courtyard by Marriott Spokane Downtown at the Convention Center!”

This is not an improvement. This is a set of directions you’d give a distant relative who’s coming in for a visit, and you’ve booked him a room because you don’t want him staying at your house.

At this point I’d like to state for the record that the Marriott by any name is one darn fine hotel. This, hopefully, will serve as a defense should the Marriott lawyers get their legal briefs in a twist and sue my ass.

Honestly. Why would anybody think that a nine-word phrase is a catchy name for a hotel?

“We’ve always had the problem that people don’t realize how close we are to the Convention Center,” explained Melanie Hayes, Marriott senior sales manager, when I called her.

Oh, yeah. Not a day goes by that I don’t bump into some lug who asks: “Hey, Doug, I can’t seem to remember. Is the Courtyard Marriott closer to the Convention Center – or Colfax?”

A lot of folks around here have apparently forgotten the concept of “less is more.”

Take our civic identity, for example. We were once known as the “Lilac City,” a brief and eloquent catchphrase. Then a pack of clods decided to clunk it up to: “Spokane. Near Nature. Near Perfect.”

Who even knows what that means?

Look at the sad fate that befell our opera house. The naming rights were sold. Now the venerable venue is the Inland Northwest Bank Performing Arts Center.

That’s INB-PAC, for short.

A similar sponsorship deal was struck at the new Convention Center. We’re now saddled with the Group Health Exhibit Hall.

Sounds like a place where you’d go to gawk at unusual lab specimens.

The Group Health Exhibit Hall won’t charge admission. You have to come up with a co-pay.

Spokane, alas, has entered the Too Much Information Age.

Oh, well, who am I to get in the way? As long as we’re renaming things, here are a few landmarks and institutions that I’ve updated with a Marriott mouthful makeover.

“Dick’s Hamburgers will henceforth be known as Dick’s Hamburgers near that Homeless Guy with the Cardboard Sign that Claims He’ll Work for Food although Everybody Knows He’ll Use the Money to Buy Crack!

“As a name, the Spokane River is so passé. From now on, please refer to it as The Water that was Once Pure and Fresh until all that Human Poo Got Pumped into it, Which Explains Why the Fish Taste Funny.

“Riverfront Park has served the city for more than 30 years. That was then. Now it will be The Riverfront Playground Except for Those Sad Souls Who Got Marooned in the Gondola Ride on a Scalding Summer Day and Were Baked Like Briskets.

“And why should my employers be immune? Dear readers, I give you The Spokesman-Review Home of Doug Clark, That is Until the Cops He Keeps Antagonizing Pull Him Over One Day and Club Him Like a Defenseless Janitor.