Dr. C’s pot bust Rx: joint task force
Dr. Z, that mustachioed wiseacre on those TV car commercials, obviously knows his way around a manifold. But when it comes to answering questions about local news there’s only one good doctor in this house, and that’s me.
So sit back today as we play Ask Dr. C:
Q: North Idaho grass farmers are torching their fields again. Why do they do this?
Dr. C: Because they’re a bunch of pyromaniacal clowns who get a kick out of turning our precious blue summer skies into a sooty brown choking haze.
Q: That’s harsh, Dr. C. Are you anti-farmer?
Dr. C: Nope. Anti-emphysema.
Q: But don’t grass farmers do some good?
Dr. C: Every year they help sell a butt-load of asthma medications.
Q: Hey, I hear Spokane County Prosecutor Steve Tucker came into the newspaper the other day. What was he doing?
Dr. C: “Tucka-tappa-tucka. Tappa-tucka-tappa.”
Q: What’s that, Dr. C?
Dr. C: The Tucker Tap Dance.
Q: Oh, right. Tucker’s up for re-election, isn’t he? Did Big Steve have any major campaign announcements?
Dr. C: Tucker wants the medical examiner to call coroner’s inquests for people who die in police custody.
Q: You mean like Otto Zehm, the poor soul who perished after being clubbed, Tasered and hogtied by cops?
Dr. C: Tucker isn’t including Zehm in his inquest plan.
Q: What a weenie.
Dr. C: Yeah, but I hear Tucker’s quite punctual. In fact, he never misses a tee time.
Q: Speaking of political gossip, what’s the best campaign sign you’ve seen so far?
Dr. C: “Vote for Phil Harris – and Sons.”
Q: That’s just a snide joke you heard about County Commissioner Harris’ nepotism problems.
Dr. C: True. But I can dream, can’t I?
Q: Did you read the news story that credited the Coeur d’Alene Police Joint Agency Task Force with a 45-plant marijuana seizure?
Dr. C: I sure did.
Q: A “joint” task force making a pot bust? Do you think the cops caught the irony?
Dr. C: Naw. But I spat out my coffee.
Q: I read another story where Tacoma Metro Parks hired 280 goats to clean up some overgrown brush. How many goats do you think we’d need to hire to replace Deputy Mayor Jack Lynch?
Dr. C: That’s an insult.
Q: To Lynch?
Dr. C: I meant the goats.
Q: How about four marmots and a squirrel for both Lynch and Assistant City Attorney Rocky Treppiedi?
Dr. C: SOLD!
Q: I’m bummed out we can’t get the Rolling Stones to play Spokane. Is there anything we could do to lure them here?
Dr. C: Welcome to Spokane gift bags stuffed with Viagra and heroin can’t hurt.
Q: I see Rosalia is about to be invaded again by thousands of bikers. And there’ll be even more access to hard liquor this year. Man, what’ll that scene be like?
Dr. C: Hillyard on any Saturday night.
Q: Speaking of events, Pullman is poised for its annual National Lentil Festival. What’s the theme this year?
Dr. C: “We’d Rather Be In Rosalia.”
Q: I see the Spokane City Council voted to place limits on several of the town’s porn shops. What sort of limits?
Dr. C: Four-ways have been cut back to three-ways.
Q: Anything else?
Dr. C: No more journalist discounts on inflatable sheep.
Q: Honestly, Dr. C. How do you keep from getting fired?
Dr. C: “Clarka-tappa-Clarka. Tappa-Clarka-tappa … “