Spokane has a lot to be angry about
I‘m blowing more head gaskets than a courtroom full of Spokane Raceway Park investors.
I’m fuming like a runaway Rathdrum Prairie grass fire.
I’m hotter than a baked Alaskan tourist stuck on the Riverfront Park gondola ride.
And you’d think my fury would signify something. Not according to Men’s Health magazine which recently ranked Spokane 68th in a listing of America’s angriest cities.
Sixty-eighth place?
The Lilac City never gets any respect.
Consider our rash of recent scandals and inept leadership. Not to mention the cosmic awful Spo-karma that hangs over us like a mildewed shroud.
There’s no way my hometown stays out of the top 50.
Anger? I got middle-fingered three times driving to work today.
And that was just from cops.
Well, don’t blame me for a lame acrimonious standing. If anyone is making a real effort to elevate our community hostility rating it’s me. And I’ve got the nasty phone calls, e-mails and letters to prove it.
Exhibit A: I recently received a three-page, handwritten letter from a grandfather who is quite perturbed over having to explain to his 9-year-old granddaughter the following words that appeared in my column:
1. “Armpit noise.”
2. “Getting laid.”
3. “Screwed.”
I do have a gift.
Men’s Health, according to Web site information, used data like high blood pressure, crime stats, workplace deaths and traffic tickets in preparing the anger rankings.
They obviously missed a whole truckload of turmoil here.
I don’t expect Spokane to ever out-anger Orlando, Fla., which captured the honor of being the nation’s top ticked-off town. Poor Orlando residents put up with unimaginable daily horrors like Buick-sized alligators and really long lines at the Magic Kingdom.
But we Spokanites are way more hostile than we’re getting credit for. Test your own agitation level by taking my quick six-question Anger Quiz:
1. Spokane County assessor candidate Brad Stark claims Ralph Baker, the incumbent, called him fat. And that makes me…
A. Furious.
B. Ravenous.
C. Hey! Brad Stark just ate my doughnut!
2. It turns out Spokane’s cat mutilator is not a crazed fiend, but a coyote. Now I…
A. Feel foolish.
B. Don’t tell me there’s no freaking psycho cat killer.
C. Where’s that damned Roadrunner when we need him?
3. To more accurately reflect our civic mood, Spokane’s slogan – “Near Nature. Near Perfect.” – should be changed to…
A. Near Murder. Near Mayhem.
B. Near Cholesterol. Near Coronary.
C. The Land Where Kitty Comes to Die!
4. FBI agents recently searched the Spokane clubhouse of the Hells Angels and…
A. My God. We have a Hells Angels clubhouse?
B. I thought they met in a treehouse.
C. Them lousy feds seized Spike’s “Joy of Meth” cookbook.
5. Learning that 140,000 gallons of human poo has been spilled into the Spokane River makes me…
A. Want to hurl.
B. Want to wring the necks of those responsible.
C. Want to order a third bowl of Longhorn chili.
6. The Spokane Council agreed to pay $43,214 to rehire a fired cop who kicked a restrained, drugged-out suspect and…
A. I’m mad as hell and won’t take it any more.
B. That’s it. I’m moving to Airway Heights.
C. I’d drop kick the entire Spokane City Council for 50 bucks.
That concludes today’s exam. If you answered C more than four times, congratulations are in order. You are truly a rage-filled drooling maniac who will help Spokane move up on the USA Anger Map.
Please mail in your exams to me with your answers circled. I will tally the results and send them to Men’s Health.
Once I get some rest, that is. I’m so steamed right now, I think I’m having a stroke.