Overbearing brother-in-law insists on center stage
Dear Harriette: I know my sister loves her husband, and I’m sure he loves her, too. But I find him to be an unbearable person. Whenever the family and other guests visit, he finds a way to center the visit around him. At the first opportunity, he ushers everyone to his favorite part of the house. Even if we all stay in the living room, he quickly dominates the conversation by bringing the subject around to something he is doing to the house or by showing off his latest high-tech gadget, or what have you.
If someone manages to get the conversation back to a general-interest topic, you can be sure at least one person won’t be listening — him. He will be leading a side conversation with at least one guest (usually the guest of honor) so the other guests are forced to listen to two different people talk at the same time and make a choice about which conversation to settle on. All the while, my sister sits there with a smile (if she is not busy preparing the meal), doing her best to listen to the guest who is talking.
If it’s an equally aggressive guest or someone who feels passionate about the subject being discussed, the result is always an uncomfortable battle for airtime. He even tries to turn the conversation to petty and embarrassingly personal issues, like who among the guests uses Viagra.
I love my sister and, whenever I go there, it’s mostly to visit with her. But he always takes over the visit and I rarely get a chance to sit down with her and discuss anything of substance pertaining to our family. This is so frustrating. I have made the decision recently to never go back there, if I can help it. I have adult children whom my sister would like to see more often, but I would not want to subject them to that kind of behavior by her husband, so I don’t encourage it. Even my niece, their daughter, who is in her 20s and away at college, tries to avoid being around him by finding reasons to stay on campus. One of my brothers has also noticed this behavior and feels the same way as I do.
What do you think of this situation and how do you suggest I handle it? — Ginger, Seattle, Wash.
Dear Ginger: Somebody needs to stand up to your brother-in-law. Start by talking to your sister about your concerns. Be specific about your niece’s seeming avoidance and the general discomfort you commonly feel when in his company. Be bold and suggest an intervention that invites a group of loved ones to speak directly to him about the havoc he is wreaking on the family. Together with your sister and their daughter, give examples of how your brother-in-law talks over everyone and how it inspires you to stop visiting. Your strong sentiment may trigger a wake-up call for him.