Santas put up with jollies, pass test
Sometimes it takes one giant set of jingle bells to do what I do.
Like giving our major mall Santas the lap, beard and sniff test. That sounded like such a holly jolly idea.
Until I got to NorthTown and joined some wide-eyed, innocent children who were waiting to see the Jolly Old Elf, that is.
The poor parents. I kept imagining them having to go home and answer that most troubling of all Christmas questions.
No, not the one about whether you-know-who is “r-e-a-l.”
I’m talking about …
“Mommy, why was that large old scary man sitting on Santa?”
Sorry, kiddies. Sometimes sacrifices must be made. I’m just glad I made it out of the malls without being strip-searched by one of those Barney Fife mall cops.
I survived to give you my first-ever Claus Critique.
I judged three Santas on a subjective 8-reindeer scale that included mirth, girth and how well they measure up to the gold standard: Billy Bob Thornton’s alcoholic, larcenous and sewer-mouthed character in that cinematic Christmas classic:
“Bad Santa.”
Oh, how I love that feel-good movie.
Life, alas, can’t always imitate art.
All the Santas I encountered were G-rated, had real beards and emitted no detectable odors. They were also good-natured enough to play along, and I even have the photographs to prove it.
Before I left the newsroom to go Claus hopping, my editor took me aside and gave me a pep talk.
Don’t wet on Santa, he told me.
That is so typical of The Man. Always trying to dampen my creative flow.
•River Park Square Santa – 7.3 reindeer.
(Two 5x7 photos: $19.54.)
This guy’s so spot-on you can almost hear sleigh bells ring.
I arrived at the Santa visitation center just as he was leaving to go feed his reindeer. (That’s mall-Claus code for break time.)
Santa gave me a boisterous “Ho-Ho-Ho. Merrrry Christmas!” He said he’d be glad to let me sit on him.
That last sentence really looks creepy in print.
I didn’t get any St. Nick names. Doing that just seemed wrong.
But RPS Santa said he’d been doing the red-suit gig for 35 years.
It shows. His beard is a curly white wonder. He even has those dimpled cheeks.
I think I asked him for a Lexus.
•NorthTown Mall Santa – 6.5 reindeer.
(One 5x7 photo: $16.28.)
I probably stepped over the line here. Noting that his bowlful of jelly belly was even larger than RPS Santa’s paunch, I asked NorthTown Santa what he weighed.
He told me (and a bit sternly, I might add) that he weighed precisely what Santa wanted to weigh.
This guy was good, too. He may have the best smile of all the Claus crew.
I especially loved our photo session. Santa’s helper held up a squeaky toy. Then she told us to say “Chuck. E. Cheese.”
Flash!
After I left, poor Santa got this little girl in a pink outfit. She screamed like a scalded elf.
You have to be a saint to be a mall Santa.
•Spokane Valley Mall Santa – scratch the reindeer. This Claus might be real.
(One 5x7 photo: $16.28.)
This Santa had a folksy, down-home accent. The glasses were wrong.
I cut to the chase. “See that jewelry store over there,” I said, pointing to the Ben Bridge outlet. “I want a $3,300 Planet Ocean watch by Omega.”
Valley Santa didn’t make any promises.
Before leaving, I asked him to tell me his funniest story.
“I’ll give you my best story,” he said.
Santa told me about this 11-year-old girl who came to see him last year. She gave him her Christmas wish. Told Santa she needed a heart surgeon.
“Last Saturday she came in,” Santa added. “She said she got one.”
Cue the Tiny Tim line. I’m a believer.