Holiday recipe for blended families: mix with love, care

For 7-year-old Caroline, Christmas isn’t so much Santa up and down the chimney as it is Caroline up and down the driveway; heading for Dad’s house to open presents followed by lunch back at Mom’s followed by dinner at her stepmother’s half-brother’s house. Has this become the “traditional” holiday experience for kids?

It can certainly seem that way, says Dr. Jim Longhurst, a psychologist for Starr Commonwealth, a nonprofit organization for struggling teens and families headquartered in Albion, Mich. Longhurst says studies show that as many as one-third of young people under the age of 18 in this country will be part of a blended family.

“Our experience of ‘family’ has changed over the years and so has the definition,” Longhurst said. Very often it translates into stress during the holidays — for parents and especially for kids who are often going back and forth, trying to fit themselves into multiple family configurations. To further complicate the issue, children as well as parents are surrounded by holiday media images of “happy families,” a sometimes unrealistic picture, which only magnifies their own family disappointments.

“We need to remember that members of blended families, through experiences of death or divorce, are dealing with conflict and loss, at least to some degree,” says Longhurst adding that this includes adopted children who may be dealing with questions and longings of their own. The result can be a complicated mix of uncertainty and self-doubt.

What can be done to help ease a child’s holiday experience? First, be sensitive to the impact of the losses your children have experienced (as well as your own) and create a safe place to share them. Honoring the traditions and rituals of the past is also key, whether that past included Mom and Dad in the same house or a cultural past that has been lost for one reason or another. Creating new holiday traditions can be especially meaningful for children when they are encouraged to incorporate some of the old, familiar ones. Still, it’s a mistake to rigidly honor the past to such a degree that you end up getting stuck in it.

“Establishing a ‘new normal’ shouldn’t come at the expense of creating new traditions and experiences,” Longhurst says. “Let the kids help form the new traditions. Give them permission to enjoy their entire holiday experience and encourage them to be open about it.”