Harriette Cole: Surprise puts couple’s love in jeopardy

Dear Harriette: I have been dating someone for the past year and a half. He recently discovered he had a child from a previous relationship. I accepted the child and did everything to support my boyfriend. We both come from different cultures, and our parents are very traditional. His parents now want him to rekindle with his ex and marry the mother of the child. He claims he still loves me, and this is what I hear from his cousins also. I am in love with him. Should I fight for love or let him go for the sake of tradition? — Jane, Jamaica, N.Y.

Dear Jane: Regardless of how traditional families may be, it’s common for parents to want their children to be actively involved in the nurturing and development of their children. Of course, his parents would want him to cultivate a relationship with the mother of his child that would be reflected in love and marriage. It makes sense because, ideally, parents should rear their children together. Whether your boyfriend and his child’s mother decide to marry or not, they should share responsibility for caring for this child.

Obviously, you are not in an ideal situation. But that doesn’t mean you have to give up on your relationship. Talk about the future and the life you want to share. Be frank about your desires and ask him to be clear in describing what he wants.

Yes, his parents have an influence on him, but he must make up his own mind about what he intends to do. Work together toward clarity, and know that love is not enough. You need a plan. If the two of you stay together, you will need to figure out how to support and care for this child.