If you want the straight story, ask Doug

There’s no use trying to hide it anymore. It’s pretty obvious that The Spokesman-Review has had a little work done, and by that I mean a makeover even more dramatic than Michael Jackson’s 15th nostrilectomy.

We have a new look. We have a new size.

We even have a new scratch-and-sniff Food section.

Mmm, mmm. Smells like Spam casserole’s on the ol’ menu today.

This maelstrom of change seems like the perfect moment for another installment of The Omdougsman. Once again, I will answer those reader concerns that the mush-mouthed jellyfishes running this joint wouldn’t touch with a greasy chopstick.

So let the “gettin’ real” begin.

You people obviously devoted months of thought and effort into changing the appearance of your newspaper. What has been the most common reaction?

“What the hell did you jerks do with the Jumble?”

With all the important stuff going on in the world like the war in Iraq and the capture of that rare giant albino Palouse earthworm, how can so many people get this irate over a missing Jumble?

To put it in frank Jumble-speak, these complainers are a bunch of reactionary ZOBOS.

Hey, what happened to that ombudsman dude? You know – the guy who was offering those snooty critiques of the paper’s journalism every now and then?

I sent him packing like a delinquent renter in a fleabag hotel. That’s right. There’s room for only one judgmental, pompous ass in my Spokesman-Review.

The newspaper is so much skinnier than it used to be. What gives?

The Spokesman-Review has been on the Mary-Kate Olsen Diet so we can hopefully look good in a bikini by summer.

No, really, how’d you get the newspaper this size?

Oh, it’s still the same size it always was. The pages have just been freeze-dried. Pour a half-cup of water on the front page, pop it into a microwave oven on high for five minutes and – presto! It will plump right back up to its old self again.

I see you changed the name of the IN Life section to Today. Did you consider any other names for your trendy features section?

As a matter of fact we did. The Day Before Tomorrow was our second choice. Celebrity Rehab Roundup came in third.

I see you kept the 7 title for your weekly arts and entertainment magazine. Does 7 stand for days of the week?

No. It refers to the deadly sins that the seven staffers try to commit or endorse in each issue.

While reading the paper I see that you are now calling Washington’s governor “Chris” and not “Christine” Gregoire. What’s up with that?

C-Biddy sounded too derogatory.

Speaking of creepy crawlies, where’d that rare giant albino Palouse earthworm wind up?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Spokane City Councilman Brad Stark.

Did the new skinnier format affect your column at all?

I’ll say. I now must write my columns a full half-inch shorter than before the makeover.

Are you sore about this?

Naw. Less writing. Same money. It’s like getting a raise. A few more redesigns, and I’ll be down to a photograph and a byline. When that happens I can fulfill my lifelong career goal of staying home, watching soaps and drinking tequila all day.

Were all columns similarly affected by shrinkage?

Oh, no. Our Accuracy Watch column for corrections continues to grow faster than Middle East unrest.

Is The Spokesman-Review’s smaller size modeled after any other actual papers?

Yes. Zig-Zag rolling papers.

Any problems created by having such a slim-downed newspaper?

Regrettably, The Spokesman-Review’s old “Good Paper” slogan had to be sliced back to “Good Pap.”